El Scorcho?

Well, I head back to work tomorrow. It's been a pleasant two weeks off, but I have to admit, laying around all day is getting kind of old. It will be nice to get back into a normal routine again. Speaking of work, I'm doing my best to be extremely nice to SMSgt Adams. Since he arrived in Misawa and took over facility management, he has kinda been my arch nemesis. It all began when he decided I would totally redesign a minor maintenance program that has worked since the dawn of time (or at least the dawn of Tora Zone). Then my boots hadn't been shined good enough. Then my hair was too long. Then my hair was still too long. Then there was the issue of how I chose to wear (or not to wear) my hat. So, over the course of time, we developed an understanding that we just wouldn't talk to each other unless completely necessary, and I was cool with this for a while. But now I'm thinking that maybe he's such a bitter, unhappy man in his own life that he feels the need to distribute his gloom to those around him in the work place. So I have decided that it is my duty to bring a little happiness into his life. As of two weeks ago, I have decided I will not fail to miss an opportunity to smile, wave, and/or exchange pleasantries with Fernando Adams. By swallowing our pride and mustering some courage, even our most unlovable enemies can be shown a little love. Some of you may be thinking, "You're just doing this to suck up," but you'd be wrong. If Adams continues to make my time at work difficult, so be it. As my friend Jim once said, "Fuck results! Love isn't about results." That's all I have to say about that.
So, in other news, I have a new truck. Yep, I got rid of my blue Mazda sedan that has been so faithful to me for the past 4 years. My friend Ann was PCSing and desperate to sell her Pajero. The Mazda was starting to act up and the JCI was due in October, where as the Pajero isn't due until April of '06. It's 2-door, gray, has 4-wheel-drive, a ski rack on top, and I know Ann has taken excellent care of it. But the biggest factor is that I want something I can take up in the mountains for snowboarding this winter.
As you can see from my last post, I've found out how to post pictures on my blog. I'll be increasing the frequency of this in the future. Along with the pictures, I'll be randomly including things that tickle my fancy, such as "Link of the Day," or "Album of the Week." I hope you all enjoy my inputs. Also, if there are any questions you have for me or anything you'd like to see posted here, feel free to add a comment or e-mail me directly at currtdawg@mac.com. I look forward to your questions, comments, and critiques.
So, I'm gonna get back to laying around and enjoying my last day of freedom. I was hoping it would be sunny today so I could go lay on the beach, but no such luck. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

There's no other way to put it...

I'm a BAD MOTHER FUCKER!!!

Bad Mo Fo Originally uploaded by currtdawg.

Not Much To Do and Too Busy To Do It

I've been back for about 10 days now, and I feel pretty good, I guess. I've been my usual social butterfly self and I've done my fair share of laying on my couch...all the things I hoped to accomplish upon my return. I've succeeded in running about 3 miles each day, just so I don't get too lazy. Still, something's missing, and I don't know what it is. I've been listening to all my new CDs (i.e. the new Beastie Boys - old school greatness; the new PJ Harvey - spectacular; Franz Ferdinand - groovy; Modest Mouse - pleasantly unique), catching up on movies (i.e. Kill Bill, Vol 2. - completely different from Vol. 1, but still amazing; Spider Man 2 - deeper than the original; City of God - heart wrenching; Amores Perros - intense), and sporting all my new duds. I think it's deep social interaction. Don has gone to the States for some conferences, so I only got to chill out with him once before he left. I've hung out with Paul and Trish a few times, but I don't think I'll ever be on the same level as them due to their couplehood. I enjoy talking to Jeff and Mike and Jimmy, but I guess I just haven't invested enough in our friendships to earn some real closeness. There are a few things about Brad that are starting to bother me. Nothing major. I just feel he doesn't really have any faith in people. It's kind of sad. I wonder how things will go if he goes to Fuji with us. Oh, yeah, Fuji. I missed last year, so I'm extra excited about this year. There's going to be tons of free time, and I love Tokyo. I can't wait.
In other news, I'm going to buy Ann Williams's truck. My car is getting pretty old and decrepit, and I'm really wanting something I can take up to the mountains this winter for snowboarding purposes. It will be nice to have something different to drive around.
Anyway, my vacation time is quickly slipping away, and even though I haven't really done much, I feel like I've been really busy. I guess I'm just going to try and enjoy my last week of freedom. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Free At Last!

Woo-hoo! I'm back in Misawa, and it feels so good to be home. After spending 16 hours on a plane, we arrived in Misawa Saturday afternoon to a very warm greeting. Seeing everyone again was even better than I anticipated. Some things you just don't appreciate until you're away from them (i.e. my house, the odd fishy smell of Japan, green-ness). After we left Iraq, we spend a day and a half at Al Udeid, which I haven't seen since we left last year, and boy, has that place changed. The new living area looks more like a resort than a military base. We got to chill out at the Plaza (the central social area) and drink beers. There was even a band there that night on a USO tour. They played the type of music I normally don't like (angry-white-boy-nu-metal-rap-rock), but every so often they threw in a Weezer or Rage song, and that made everything better.
Anyway, now I'm back and I have two weeks off. I don't really have any plans yet. Unpacking and getting my house back in order will probably take a couple days. Maybe I'll hang out at the beach, or go camping, or maybe head down to Tokyo. Whatever I do, I need to wallow in my laziness as much as possible because before I know it, my two weeks will be over, and I'll wonder where the time went. So I guess I'm going to get busy doing nothing. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Commitment and Change

I did it. Let 29 June 2004 go down as the day I committed yet another four years of my life to the U.S. Air Force. I guess that's all I have to say about that.
So, we're leaving today. We have to have our bags packed by 4 this afternoon, but the plane doesn't leave until 9 tonight. We'll spend a day and a half at Al Udied, and then fly to Misawa. I was packing up all my stuff earlier, and thinking about how comfortable I've gotten here. I had such a nice, little routine and no worries. If someone told me today that we've been extended for another three months, I probably wouldn't be too upset. Don't get me wrong. I miss everyone back in Misawa and I want to get home. I've just gotten mentally lazy, or something. I'm sure that once I get off the plane and see everyone and get back to my house, I'll be completely filled with joy. My only major obstacle will be the post-deployment depression that sets in every year.
Anyway, I'm going to go finish packing and get some food and shower and wait around until 4. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Lighter and Fluffier

I ran with Joe Salazar this morning, and afterward, when we were leaving the gym, he stopped at the scale to weight himself. I've noticed the scale there before, but I've never stopped to weight myself. Today I did. I've lost a whopping 15 pounds since I got here 3 months ago. Yeah, I'm pretty proud of myself. I just hope, when I get back to Misawa, I don't gorge myself on Pizza & Curry and Santa Baby's and get all fat and stuff.
Anyway, I don't have much else on which to report. Work is almost non-existent. Half of the new guys are here, and they've already been trained on our duties. We're just sitting around the shop waiting to leave. Only five more days. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Overmanned and Under What?

I was supposed to go to the ziggurat yesterday, but due to the fact the Services squadron here stinks, I will have traveled entirely around the globe, coming within a mile of the birthplace of Abraham and the second oldest building in the world, only to be shot down. It's a story too long to narrate here. A little bitter? Yeah, but I'll get over it.
Also, yesterday, we got in four guys from the new crew. Three are from Beale and one is from Hickam, and they all seem pretty cool. So now, we have entirely too many people in our shop. I've spent most of today sitting around and daydreaming of home. Fortunately, tomorrow, those of us from Misawa are going into half shifts, so I'll be working from 1 PM to 7 PM. Good news, indeed.
Anyway, I just wanted to shoot out a random update. Only six more days till I get to see all my Misawa buddies. I can't wait. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Almost There

So, it's Friday, and I'm supposed to be off today, but I had to attend a big mass out-processing briefing this morning, so I figured I'd just hang around the shop for a while and get some e-mailing done and stuff. They really shouldn't have had us out-process four days before we leave, because now we'll be totally useless and the next team won't be here for two more days.
I finished "Mere Christianity" and have now started on "Porno" by Irvine Welsh, which is kind of a follow up to "Trainspotting." However, since I've started running again, my reading has suffered a little. I guess it's because I'm getting up so much earlier, and I'm much more tired at the end of the day.
The big question everyone keeps asking everyone else is, "What's the first thing you're going to do when you get home?" Well, we're supposed to be getting home on Saturday, July 3rd, so after we get our luggage and turn in our weapons and stuff, I'll probably head to my house (which will most likely be filled with people) and unpack and socialize. Saturday night will be Bible Study, followed by more socializing at Paddy's. Of course, anything could happen. This is just one potential course of events. All I really want is just to see everyone and talk and laugh.
I got my hair cut the other day, and it's really short. Apparently, "trim up the top" in TCN-speak translates to "I wish to look like Sinead O'Connor." Oh, well. It's a good summer hair cut, I guess.
I'm heading out to the ziggurat tomorrow, which should be really fascinating. I'll be sure and take lots of pictures. I hear the tour guide is very knowledgeable about the history of this area. I hope I can remember everything.
Anyway, I'm going to grab some lunch and head back to my tent for some afternoon relaxation. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Big Poppa

Happy Father's Day to all the big daddies out there. May you celebrate this day by burping, grunting, and scratching yourself with no shame.
Everyone is totally lacking in motivation and starting to get on each other's nerves and stuff. I'm doing my best to avoid all the drama, and spread a little sunshine wherever I go; but some people just don't seem to appreciate it very much. I just focus on the wonderful time I'm going to have during my two weeks off work upon my return to Misawa. Socializing. Sleeping. Movies. Cooking. Beach-Bumming. Japan. This is what keeps me going.
I had Friday off, and watched a delightfully quirky little French animated film called "The Triplets of Belleville." The visuals were pretty cool and it involved a particularly funny sequence involving an inventive way for catching frogs. There was very little dialogue, so even if you don't understand what they're saying, you don't really miss anything. I also packed up a few boxes to send home and went for a nice run. I've started up my morning gym routine again, as well. Besides running, I've added the stairmaster to my regiment in preparation for the big Fuji climb.
Anyway, it's lunch time now, so I'm going to head over to the chow hall. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Reels, Rumours, Riding, etc...

I forgot to mention before when I talked about my day off the movie I watched. It was called "Monster" and it was based on the true story of Eileen Wournos, a prostitute / serial killer. So moving and so sad. I've rarely felt such pity for a character. Charlize Theron played the lead character, and now I see why she won the Oscar. Simply amazing. However, nothing could have prepared me for the disturbing movie I watched last night. It was called "Elephant" and was directed by Gus Van Sant. It was obviously based on the Columbine shootings, but the feel and look of this film makes it seem like I'm right there. It borders on being artsy, but the more I think about it, everything was done so purposefully, the messages within are all too clear. Highly recommended.
My friend Heath showed me this really cool website: www.snopes.com. It's all about urban legends and rumours. It includes everything in every subject from religion to celebrities to politics to sports to medical findings and everything in between. Ever heard the one about Richard Gere and the gerbil? Look it up here. Did you get the chain e-mail from Bill Gates asking you to forward it to 20 people? Look it up here. I could peruse this site for hours.
Speaking of rumours, we got an official e-mail from the Shirt today informing us of our departure date. I'll be leaving this sacred plot of ground on June 30th and heading to Al Udied (where I was last year). I stay there until July 2nd, and then fly to Misawa. I still don't know the exact date / time of arrival in Misawa, but I will be sure to let everyone know as soon as I find out.
I ran the water route today with Heath, which was pretty cool. I'm on stand-by this week, which is NOT cool. I've been looking online for hiking boots for this year's Mt. Fuji trip. I'm getting excited about it already. I still haven't been running in the mornings. They received new treadmills the other day, but they're not very nice. I guess I should be picky. Anyway, that's about all I can think of. I'll probably write more random things later this week. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Slacker!

I'm off today, and normally, on days off, I lay around my tent, watch movies, go for a run, read, etc. However, today there is a power outage for most of tent city, so, rather than lay around in a makeshift oven, I decided to come to my shop for a while to surf and shoot out a few e-mails. I've decided I should never surf the internet without a specific purpose because Curtis + boredom = shopping. It wasn't all bad, though. I succeeded in getting my Dad something for Father's Day. But after that, it was all downhill. I've been looking at video cameras for almost a year, and finally broke down and bought one, which leads me to another interesting development. The main reason I was putting off buying a camera was that, even though I had pretty much decided on the one I wanted, I still wanted to have a hands-on look at it. Thus, I was waiting until the end of this deployment when we were supposed to go through the States so I could head down to the nearest Best Buy and peruse all the fabulous gadgetry. But now, it appears that won't happen. We were informed a couple days ago that we will now depart on a chartered aircraft from the AOR directly to Misawa. This has two aspects. The bad: I was looking forward to some major shopping in the States, as well as visiting my friends Dan, Ben, and Abby. The good: we won't have to drag all our luggage through multiple airports during the 4th of July, and I'll get back to Misawa a little sooner. We've been told to estimate arriving in Misawa around the 3rd or 4th of July. Either way, I'm just glad to be getting out of here in 19 days.
Anyway, the power should be back on now, so I'm going to head back to my tent and enjoy some slacking time. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Make Over!

So, do you like the the new layout? I've had the same template for a while, so I figured it was time for a change. Plus, there are lots of cool new features with this new one. I can put mini-titles on each individual post and insert links. And, you, the reader, can access my profile and insert comments at the end of each post, as well. Sounds fun, huh?
Other than that, the day has been pretty routine. It hit 118 degrees today, and everyone hates it except me. The weather here reminds me of Vegas.
Anyway, I'm gonna take care of a few minor things before the day is over. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

There's not really anything new to report, but everyone in my shop has gone over to the chow hall for dinner, and I'm just chillin' here in the shop, so I thought I'd post some random thoughts.
I finished "The Story We Find Ourselves In" last night. Good stuff. It expanded my ideas without negating my beliefs. Now it's on to "Mere Christianity," which I've read twice, but sometimes you just gotta stick with the classics. It never hurts to have a solid foundation on which to stand.
A lot of guys around here are getting really cynical, and I'm doing my best to not let it get me down. However, I have to confess, it's difficult to keep your head up when the job is so monotonous and we don't really have any kind of a sense of accomplishment. There's not much of a mission here, so the work we do isn't very appreciated. Regardless, I'm still managing to keep somewhat of a smile on my face.
My friend Heath told me about this photographer Joel-Peter Witkin who's images are rather disturbing, to say the least. We were looking it up on the computer during lunch, and even as dark as these pictures were, I still couldn't turn away. Very interesting stuff, but not for the weak stomach.
Anyway, it's almost time to head home, so I'll close. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

So, you know how there's sometimes an issue that you don't think you really have a problem with, but then one day you get a spiritual smack in the face and you realize how much you do? Yeah, that happened to me this week. I was walking across the compound, when, in the distance, I saw a guy from my squadron who isn't exactly Mr. Positive. I took evasive action and ducked behind another shop to avoid him. Afterward, I felt like crap. I mean, would it have killed me to smile at this guy and say "Whattup?" I've kind of realized that having poor expectations of someone is basically the same as judging them. If I never take the risk of interacting with someone, then I'll never have the experience of being pleasantly surprised by them.
Work has been going pretty good. I kind of alternate between driving the water truck, doing maintenance, and working various other jobs. My day off has been moved (again), this time to Fridays. I don't really care, anymore, though. In fact, days off are kind of overrated. All I ever do is watch a movie or two, take a few naps, and read. In fact, yesterday, I was so bored, I almost considered coming in to work. I eventually chose to go for a run at the gym. I'm pretty sure I made the right choice.
So, we latest rumour is that we'll be leaving here around the 28th, flying to Al Udeid (where I was for 7 months last year), and taking the rotator out of there on the 1st. I'm looking forward to spending some time in the States, but I'm going to do my best to control my compulsive buying, especially if I plan on making this trek to China in the fall, and a big trip around the States in March.
What other good things can I report? I'm finally getting a decent tan. Some of the guys here are so dark, and I'm so jealous. Regardless, my deepening pigmentation is manifested in my raccoon eyes, and that's more than I had when I got here. Also, I'm getting to know a couple of the guys in my shop pretty well. It's all about healthy relationships, right?
Anyway, I'm going to ride out the rest of the afternoon, and head home, and by "home," I mean "tent." I miss everyone more than words can express. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Yep, had yesterday off and did absolutely nothing. Kinda nice. Watched a few movies, laid out for a while, napped, but I didn't get any reading done, unfortunately.
A lot of people from my shop got moved around (a few to Structures and a few to the Dirt Boys), but luckily, I'm staying right here. I'm hoping this last month here will be fairly easy. I just want to ride out my time and get the hell outta dodge, know what I'm sayin'?
So, life in the desert is really dull and tedious and I guess I just don't have much to talk about. Next time I think of something really deep to write about, I'll be sure and post it. Until then, everyone's going to just have to be satisfied with these boring narratives of my boring daily life here in Iraq. That's about all for now. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

It seems we can't have a normal week here in the 407th ECES (that's my unit here at Tallil). Just when things were starting to get back to normal and I was beginning to enjoy my time in the utilities shop, something happens and throws everything out of whack. It has been known for a while that the entire CE compound will be moving across the base in the coming months, but for some reason, our commander has a big hard-on for getting it done NOW. So even though the ROWPU reconstitution guys had been given three weeks to complete their task, now they have 6 days. This will only cause messiness and chaos. The commander has told us that every able-boddied utilities person will work 24 hour operations on getting this done. So ridiculous. Regardless, I'm finding it not so bothersome. All the little things that get in the way and frustrate people somehow seem to dodge me. God has given me patience and tolerance during my tenure here, and for this, I'm grateful. The only way I'm affected is I'm beginning to realize what a richard the commander is. Okay, I'm outtee. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

We've entered a new era here at Tallil Air Base, Iraq. The water plant has officially shut down; and while I once thought I'd be involved with the tear down and reconstitution of our equipment, I have now been directed to work directly out of the Utilities Shop. When I first heard about this, I got a little upset, but now I'm just dealing with it, and even discovering it's not that bad. I'm getting some social interaction with some new people and getting to see some of my friends working in other shops. So I guess a little variety is a good thing. Plus, now I'll be working in the shop, where the computers are, so maybe I'll get to e-mail people and update my blog a little more often.
I've developed a minor addiction here: Wint-O-Green Life Savers. Those things are like miniature donuts of heroin. I can't get enough.
My running routine has been temporarily put in hiatus. For some reason, all the treadmills at the gym have broken down, and I refuse to use one of those stupid cross trainer elliptical things or the stationary bike. The stairmaster is tempting, but it's much easier to just sleep in. When they fix the treadmills, I'll start running again.
I finished "Glamorama" last night, and tonight, I'll start "The Story We Find Ourselves In." I read the preface last night, and it looks quite interesting.
Anyway, lunch is about over, so I need to get back to work. I know everyone is wanting a picture of my long-gone mustache, but I don't have any digital ones. When I get back and have my film developed, everyone will have plenty of chances to point and laugh about my ridiculous facial hair. I hope everyone is doing well. I miss you all. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

I've been listening to a lot of Nirvana lately. I've always been a fan, and still feel a little sadness when I think about Kurt's death. The most recent swell began about a week ago when I heard "Smells Like Teen Spirit" on the radio. I'd forgotten what a great song it was, and how unfortunate that it became such a cliche at the time. But hearing the lyrics again stirs up some strange emotions. "A mosquito, my libido." I think that's the part I feel the most. My sex drive drains me, causes me to think, say, and do the stupidest things. Craziness.
Other than that, things are going pretty well, I guess. I don't have a lot of good social interaction, though. I work with the same two guys every day at the water plant. I only get to hang out with Brad every three or four days, and even then it's only for a half hour or so. I'm not going to know what to do when I get around normal civilization again.
I'm almost done with "Glamorama." I think I'm going to start "The Story We Find Ourselves In" next. I'm not getting as much reading done as I'd hoped I would. It's day 52, and we've gone so far, but it seems like so long until the end. I'm so ready to be done with this place. Okay, I'm gonna get back to work. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Today is day #45 - the official half-way mark, and I guess I should be kind of excited about it, but something has been really bothering me this week. I was reading the news the other day and started hearing reports of all the Iraqi detainee abuse, and it was rather upsetting. But nothing could prepare me for looking at the pictures. Absolutely horrid. No wonder the people around here don't want us around. Anyway, I'm going to move on to something a little more light-hearted.
So...what's new around here? Well, I had an actual day off on Wednesday. It was great. I had an extra long run. I read. I ate pizza. I napped. A very relaxing day. Speaking of reading, I was reading "The Peaceable Kingdom," but it got a little too advanced for me, so now I'm reading "Glamorama" by Bret Easton Ellis. I'm still working at the water plant, and it's still anyone's guess when we'll get evicted. As I've mentioned before, I'm just going with the flow.
Hmmm. I know there are tons of things I wanted to write about, but I can't remember it now. I'm gonna get outta here. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Happy Mother's Day to all you hot mammas out there. I sent Momma Sutton some flowers, and I'm hoping to give her a call sometime today, but I think everyone else on base has the same agenda.
Good news: we are finally getting days off again. Mine will be Wednesday when I pledge to sleep all day long. Bad news: the contractors got all their paperwork finished and they'll be taking over the water plant any day now. Good news: we're almost at the half-way point. Bad news: it's getting crazy hot. Good news: we've all been scheduled to depart here on 1 July. On the way back to Misawa, we'll be traveling through Baltimore (which is great so I can see my buddies Dan and Ben) and Seattle (which is great so I can see Abby). Bad news: due to layovers and what-not, we'll be in the air on Independence Day. And, um, let's see....I'll try to end on good news: I got a super package from Abby a couple days ago. It had all kinds of goodies and a cool card in it. Thanks, Abs! Okay, I'm gonna get outta here. I hope everyone is doing well. I miss you all. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

I've usually thought of myself as a pretty smart person, but lately, I'm beginning to realize how stupid I really am. It's not any one thing that has led me to this. It's just the more people I meet, the more I see how much there is out there, and how miniscule my knowledge of everything is.
Overall, it's been a good week. I started up a new routine of going to the gym in the morning. It's rough, but I feel good, so that's what counts. I'm running longer, faster, and farther than I was before. I get home at night, do a little reading, and then lights out. Today, however, I was thrown for a loop. The boss told me that I would most likely be coming out of the water plant pretty soon. And that really bums me out. He says he wants other guys to get some experience out there, and I guess I can understand that, but we've worked really hard to get things to where they are, and now that most of the big work is done, we're just maintaining, so someone else is going to get to slack off and get credit for all the work I did. It's just frustrating, I guess. I'm going to try to appeal, but I'm not sure how much good it will do.
Other than that, there's not much to report. We've had a few little wind storms here and there, but nothing as bad as last week. The best news is that I have one month down, and only two to go. I'm doing my best to keep a smile on my face. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

So my routine pretty much went to shit. Starting last Monday, all of CE has gone into 12 hour shifts with no days off. Apparently, some big projects came down and nobody's going to stop until they're done, by golly. Luckily, I'm still working at the water plant, but now it's from 7 AM to 7 PM. My reading time has been cut considerably, and playing for praise and worship at the Chapel is just not going to happen. But you know what? I'm somehow not really bothered by it all. My circumstances are different, but my attitude is the same. And I figure they can do whatever they want to me while I'm here, just as long as I'm home on time.
Some other interesting developments: we've had some crazy weather the past few days. It started last Thursday with a big dust storm. That was pretty nasty, but we had no idea what was in store for us. Friday evening, we had what would basically equal a hurricane. Tents were flying everywhere. Hail was falling. I spent most of the evening tying down tent flaps. But yesterday was the total mac-daddy of insane weather. Sometime around 5 PM, we had some evil looking clouds coming in from both directions. I went back into the water plant when it started raining. I was going about my business when I looked into the back section, and noticed that the entire tent was off the ground. I started shutting down the ROWPUs, and then stuff started flying all over the place. I was dodging flying hammers and stuff when Max and I decided it would be best to take shelter in the bunker. Anyway, after everything passed, the tent had shifted about 6 feet, and there was word another storm was on the way. So we got pretty much the entire CE squadron out there to help us recover. The next storm didn't do as much damage to the water plant, but the electricians had a hell of a time.
Anyway, that's my story for this week. Stay tuned next week when you'll hear SSgt Johnson exclaim "Auntie Em! Auntie Em! It's a twister! It's a twister!" Until then, take care. No worries. God Bless.

P.S. I just want to thank everyone for all the e-mails, care packages, and prayers while I'm over here. It's impossible for me to show enough appreciation.

Yep, so things are going pretty smoothly here in Iraq. I've gotten myself into a pretty good routine. I get up and go to work everyday at 4:45. I'm done around 2 or 2:30, then I go for a run at the gym, then shower, then hang out or read for the rest of the evening. The stress has gone down, and I'm not as homesick anymore. Last Sunday's Chapel service went pretty well. We had a rehearsal last night, and this week should be even better. I'm still having strange dreams, and I think one day in the not too distant future, I'm gonna read my dream journal and laugh for a really long time. Oh, there's one really cool thing I've been forgetting to mention. Before I came over here, I'd heard that this base was really close to the ancient city of Ur (the supposed birth place of Abraham) and this really old building called the Ziggurat. Well, it turns out that the base is right on top of all that stuff. I walk out the door of my shop and see the Ziggurat. They offer tours over there, but I haven't had the chance to go yet. I'll be sure and take lots of pictures when I do. The whole mustache situation is proceeding according to schedule. I now have hair on my upper lip, and I think it looks pretty retardo. But, I told Brad I'd do this, and now it's just become a big joke. I'm avoiding all cameras like the plague in the hopes that no one outside of this country will ever see me like this. I'm trying to e-mail people as much as I can, but computer time here is limited. I thank you all for your prayers. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Happy Easter! So, I'd like to write a novel about the past 10 days I've spent in Iraq, but I don't exactly have a lot of computer time, and the time I have is mostly going to be spent writing my own EPR (it's a long story). So, I'm switching back and forth between this window, and the one with my EPR, so if this entry seems rather random, that's why.
I've been a little stressed out since I got here, and I'm not really sure why. I'm working in the water plant, which is cool. But we're kind of in the middle of nowhere. We don't even have a phone out there.
Tonight will be my first night of playing with the praise team at the Chapel, and I'm looking forward to it. Things should go smooth.
I've been having really wacked out dreams since I got here. It's gotten to the point where I'm now keeping a dream journal that I update as soon as I get up in the morning. The strangest one involved me appearing as a guest on the David Letterman show along with Janet Jackson. Strange.
I've been hitting up the gym every afternoon, but I'm skipping today to get some work done. Plus, most people are off on Sunday, so I know it will be way crowded. I was there running on the treadmill yesterday and the power went out.
You know, this is the third time I've been deployed since I've been at Misawa, and never, ever have I wanted to come home as badly as I do now. I don't know if it's because I miss everyone back in Misawa, or because I still don't really know anyone here yet, or because I really have no faith whatsoever in the purpose of this stupid war. I get home after work, hit the gym, shower, and then don't leave my room for the rest of the night. I'm not feeling my usual social self. The upside is that I'm getting a lot of reading done. I'm kind of forcing myself to go to the gym, because I think if I don't, I'll just waste away. It's the only thing that keeps my drive going.
I saw Brad at lunch the other day, and we decided we're going to grow mustaches. Personally, I don't think there are many things a guy can do to make himself more unattractive than grow a mustache. I mean, they work okay on some people, but overall, they're just too cheesy. Regardless, this is a way for Brad and I to just do something goofy to pass the time a little quicker. We're going to try it for two weeks, and see how it looks. But don't get your hopes up. I will be avoiding all cameras so no evidence will be left for anyone.
Okay, so I really need to concentrate on my EPR, so I'm gonna close. I hope everything is going well with everyone. Here's a brief list of people/things I'm praying for right now: Jean-Marie and her leg, Don taking care of his family, this whole Iraq situation, my friend Jason and his spiritual quest, Jimmy and Abby, Dan and his last semester of college, Jim and Nik and their whole household. Okay, Imaboutabeupouttaheeyaallinyagrill! Take care. No worries. God Bless.

So, here I am in Iraq, and it's pretty cool. Tent city is really nice, but it's rather shocking to see everything else. Everything the military hasn't built is pretty much in shambles. You wouldn't believe the number of Iraqi buildings we've blown up. The country is rather barren. Looking out, it's hard to believe this is in the middle of the fertile crescent.
As far as work is concerned, I'm currently working in the water plant operating the ROWPU (Reverse Osmosis Water Purification Unit). It's a pretty good job to have. It's not hectic, but it keeps me occupied all day long. I go in at 5 AM, and I'm off by 2, so I have my afternoons free to hit the gym.
I went to Chapel last night, and they're in dire need of a pianist, so I told them I'd help them out. Most of the Chapel staff is from Nellis, but I don't think we have any common acquaintances.
Anyway, there's lots more I'd like to write about, but computer time here is very limited, so please forgive me if I slack off on my blog over the next three months. Also, I don't have access to my mac.com e-mail account, but you can e-mail me at curtis.sutton@tlab.aorcentaf.af.mil. My mailing address is
Curtis Sutton
407 AEG / ECES
APO, AE 09358
I hope all is going well with everyone. Thanks for keeping me in your prayers. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

One more thing: I've recently developed a liking to the term "wax" as a verb, such as to enlarge, heighten, or magnify. Hence, the change to my blog's title. Please feel free to give input on this exciting change. Laters...

So, here I am in Kuwait. Please allow me to give a brief narrative on how I arrived here. Well, upon leaving Misawa, we flew to Seattle, and I got to hang out with Abby, which was totally cool. We ate at this really great Mexican restaurant, went to Krispy Kreme, and then chilled out at Borders for a while. Also, while I was there, she called Jaq Harris on her cell phone and I talked to him for a while, too. The next morning, we left for Atlanta. The first night in Atlanta (Saturday), I went downtown to this really cool dance club and pretty much stayed there all night. On Sunday, me and a few other guys went to a couple malls downtown. They had an Apple Store and an Armani Exchange, so I was a very happy boy. We left Atlanta Tuesday morning, and eventually got here, only to find we didn't have a flight to our destination. So we've been chilling out here since Tuesday night. Luckily, we found out this morning that we'll be leaving this afternoon. I'm so ready to get to our destination and just start working.
Anyway, I should have an e-mail address when I get there. But until then, feel free to e-mail me at currtdawg@mac.com. Sleep has been something I've been getting in small doses lately, so my brain is a little fried. I'm sorry I can't think of anything smart or introspective. I'll try to write more once we get settled in and stuff. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Okay, so I forgot to mention one thing. Brad and I went to Hachinohe to see "Dogville" today, and it was pretty amazing. A great story about man's inhumanity to man and about the conditions of friendship. The entire cast was spectacular. I'm not going to get into the minimalist set or anything. It's just something you all have to see for yourself. Anyway, that's all. Now back to packing, etc.

So, as promised, here's a list of the books I'm taking to the desert:

"The Politics of Jesus" by John Howard Yoder
"The Pleasure of My Company" by Steve Martin
"The Challenge of Jesus" by N.T. Wright
"The Peaceable Kingdom" by Stanley Hauerwas
"Choke" by Chuck Palahniuk
"The Story We Find Ourselves In" by Brian McLaren
"Glamorama" by Bret Easton Ellis
and, of course,
"Mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis

Hopefully, these will keep me occupied for the next three months. There's gonna be a lot of plane time, so I think I'll be okay.
Anyway, I still have tons of packing to do, plus people to see and a house to finish cleaning. The next entry I make will probably be from on the opposite side of the world. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

I think we have a definite line between our private and our public lives. And not just what we do, but there's a difference in personality, as well. I've always thought I could tell how good a friend was by how much I told him and how much of my private personality I let him see. But now, that seems so fake to me. Why can't I just let everyone know all of me? I'm going to start breaking down that wall between public and private. I've told people before that my life is an open book, and now, I'm going to start following through with it.
Brad and I just got back from the onsen at Komaki's. After we onsened, we got foot massages, and it was great. We were reluctant to put our shoes back on because our feet were all tingling and stuff.
I'm starting to get those last minute jitters about deploying. And again, it's not really about the deployment itself. It's more about the trip over there and all the crap we're going to have to endure with carrying weapons and airport security and hauling bags to and from hotels. Ugh. I get exhausted just thinking about it. I just wish we were already in country and I had all my stuff in my tent and I was working. I'm still in the midst of packing. I was going to list all the books I'm taking with me on here, but they're all upstairs, and I'm down here on my couch getting ready to go to sleep, so I'll just have to list them some other time. Today was totally crazy with appointments and tying up loose ends at work and stuff. Tomorrow is going to be just as bad; however, I'm going to force myself to find time to go to Hachinohe and watch a movie. It's called "Dogville" and it was directed by Lars von Trier, and I'm really looking forward to watching it. After that, though, I'm going to be running around like a headless chicken, which is a rather disgusting metaphor. How about, running around like one of those little wind-up toys that keeps going until it runs into a wall and then turns around and goes the other way until it hits another wall, etc.? Maybe not as chaotic, but definitely more tame.
And one final thought: liberation in mind is a good thing. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

I've been feeling old a lot lately. Not like, "my body is falling apart and I have gray hair" old. More like, "gee, I'm hanging out with people who were born a decade after me" old. I don't think I look or act old, but it's just when I think about dates, I realize how fast time is moving. I'm almost 30, I'm not married, I don't have any major financial assets, and I still haven't really learned how to accept responsibility. I guess all things will come in time. It's so ridiculous to worry about it.
In other news, Jean-Marie broke her leg snowboarding yesterday. Things are going to be way tough on Don for a while. I kinda wish I weren't deploying so I could be around to help. I'm sure people will step up, though, and hopefully, Jean-Marie will be back on her feet by the time I get back.
Anyway, I have this week off work to do last minute stuff in preparation for deploying. We take off on Friday. I haven't even started packing yet. I'm going to take it easy, though. I'll pack a little, take a nap, pack some more, eat, pack, watch a movie, hang out, sleep, etc. I can't really think of anything else to write. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

What a great weekend! Friday night, the Japanese in my shop put on a little party for those of us deploying, and it was really fun. We drank beers and smoked cigars and sang lots of karaoke. Saturday, I went snowboarding at Hakkoda, and, despite a few icy patches, it was good stuff. It was the first time I'd been in over a month, and I was a little concerned my ankle would bother me, but I had no problems at all. Sunday, I worked on my house a little more. I'm pretty much done with all the major cleaning and moving stuff around and such. Now, I'll just go over everything with the vacuum cleaner before I take off.
This week is going to be way slow. I'll take care of some out-processing and stare at the walls and stuff. Matt and Danielle are getting married on Wednesday, so I'll definitely go to that. The National Prayer Luncheon is Thursday, and Chaplain Oberheid is speaking, and that is always good to hear. Anyway, I'm babbling on and on, so I'm gonna pretend to work or something. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Things are going well...a little too well, maybe. All the drama and pain that I had been going through for the past few months is pretty much over, and now I just seem to be happily floating along. But in the back of my mind, I feel cautious, like something could happen at any time. I guess, in a way, I kind of miss that pain. (Does that make me a drama queen?) It occupied so much of my time and thoughts for so long, and now that it's not there, I have little else about which to think.
I found out yesterday that my departure date has been pushed back a week, so now, instead of the 19th, we're leaving on the 26th. I don't really care either way. I mean, I want to go, and get out of Misawa, and just start working. However, it will be nice to hang out here for another week, too. There will be a few of my friends PCSing while I'm gone, and any extra time I get to spend with them is appreciated. Also, the group deploying will be getting split up as we're going through the States, and we still don't know if we'll be staying over in Baltimore or Atlanta. I'm hoping for two things: 1) that I don't get separated from Brad, and 2) that I go through Baltimore. Brad and I have plans to see lots of movies while we're in the States, and both Dan and Ben live close to Baltimore. I don't really know anyone in Atlanta. But, regardless of where I go and who I'm with, I'm sure I'll be able to make my own fun during those few days in the States.
Anyway, work is really slow this week. I've been taking care of a few minor out-processing needs. I don't expect it to pick up before we leave. I'm just gonna go with the flow. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

I'm trying to get my house clean. My house is always clean, in a way, but this time it's more than just keeping it neat and vacuuming and stuff. This time, I'm going through all the crap in my back bedroom and dusting behind bookshelves and getting rid of everything that has no real purpose. Jeff is going to house sit for me while I'm deployed, and I'd hate for him to move in and discover giant dust bunnies hiding behind my bed. That's pretty much what I did all weekend. Well, besides the CE Ball on Friday, and Bible study (read: wallyball) on Saturday and Church / HH on Sunday. The weekend was both relaxing and productive. Only 11 more days till I deploy. I should probably start packing pretty soon.
Anyway, this week is probably going to be pretty dull at work. There's not much work for me to do, just a few outprocessing appointments and some training. I'll write more later this week. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Last night, I went to the CE Ball, which is like a miniature, stupider version of the Air Force Ball for only CE people. I felt like I was kind of guilted into going, and I really didn't want to be there. But you know what? It wasn't really that bad. Of course, I had to get a couple drinks in me before I got into the swing of things. But the best part was really afterward. I ran into a friend I haven't talked to in about 4 months. We hung out and caught up and had a really nice talk. Then I went home and changed and went back to the E-Club and saw more friends. It was just a really nice, fun, social time. Anyway, I could keep trying to describe it and dwell on it, but I'm just going to accept it. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

I'm not going to the airport today. I've already said my good-byes, and it's given me some closure, and I'm hoping that it will be one of those "out of sight / out of mind" type things. My time in the desert is going to be a time of healing.
So I went to Tokyo over the weekend with Jean-Marie, Trish, and Paul, and it was a blast. We did lots of walking and shopping and eating (at cool American restaurants like T.G.I. Friday's and Red Lobster) and drank quite a few frappucinos. We went to Tokyo Disney, which was really fun. I'm just really starting to appreciate Tokyo.
Anyway, I can't really thing of anything else to write, so instead of just babbling on and on, I'm going to stop. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

So everyone who reads my blog on a regular basis probably thinks that I'm some sort of really dark, depressed person seriously in need of some Prozac, but nothing could be further from the truth. The title of this blog is "Glimpse Into A (Usually) Optimistic Mind," and that's what it is....usually. It's just that the only time I really feel the need to write is when I'm in a dark mood. Getting my feelings out is kind of helpful, and knowing that everyone who reads this knows what I'm going through somehow makes me feel a little better.
Overall, things are pretty good. I'm healthy. I have a loving family. I have great friends. I'm happy at work. I'm getting ready to go to the desert again, which, though some may consider a bad thing, I'm looking forward to. It will be a nice change of scenery.
However, there's this one stupid area that's causing me so much pain. I thought things were going to be cool, but I guess they aren't. And I can't do anything about it. I hate feeling so out of control. The first time I went through this, it was just the severe feelings of hurt. But this time, it's hurt with an extra dose of anger.
Anyway, I'm getting ready to go out to dinner with some friends, which is a good thing. I feel the need to just be around some people tonight. I'm off work the rest of the week, and heading down to Tokyo on Thursday with Paul, Trish, and Jean-Marie. We're just going to shop and hang out and go to Tokyo Disney, which should be a very interesting experience in itself. Okay, so I'm gonna go now. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

So, in this extremely long week of 12-hour days, playing FreeCell (which, I believe, is about as addictive as heroin), and daydreaming of Ibiza, I've had quite a lot of time to surf CNN.com, FoxNews.com, and other various sites regarding current events. The most frequent issue addressed has been that of same-sex marriages. It seems the Mayor of San Francisco has grown a pair and made the call to allow same-sex marriages because banning it would defy state laws prohibiting discrimination. And I say, "Kudos to you, Mr. Mayor!" I think that the whole "civil unions" deal was definitely a step in the right direction, but it kind of reminds me of the whole "separate but equal" thing we had in the 60's, and we see how that turned out. Meanwhile, Mr. Bush has decided to chime in and say that he is "troubled" by what's going on in San Francisco. Tragic. He doesn't really seem too troubled by the thousands of innocent lives he's sentenced to death in the Iraqi desert. Oh, and let's not forget the governor of California. Mr. Schwarzenegger (don't worry, I checked the spelling) says the state will reject any marriage certificates sent by San Francisco because they fail to meet legal standards. So a guy who spends his off-time playing grab-ass, working out 6 hours a day, and driving a Hummer is going to point fingers at others' sexual issues? Go ahead, Arnold. Nobody's really taking you seriously in the first place. It amuses me how people get so upset about this issue because they say gay marriage doesn't truly represent the sanctity of the institution of marriage. Let's forget the 2002 statistics revealing that 40% of "real" marriages end in divorce (which, granted, is down from 48% in 1992). And don't even make me bring up Elizabeth Taylor or, God forbid, Britney Spears. I think these same-sex couples have a much better chance of staying married than the average straight couple, just because of how hard they have fought for this right. It's not something they're going to rush into or be cavalier about. And what impact is it really going to have on society anyway. If anything, it will make this country even more of a melting pot. I mean, I've always kind of admired Elton John and k.d. lang anyway. But, I digress. And so, in conclusion, let me just say that it will be a grand day on this earth when people can just live and let live.

Yep, still in the exercise. It's been really slow, and my week has consisted of sitting in my office and staring at the walls. We found out this morning, though, that we will be processing this afternoon, so hopefully, things are winding down. Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good today. Yeah, there's still this underlying void or darkness or something, but it's slowly going away. And I'm feeling optimistic. I'm going to Tokyo next week. A few weeks after that, I'll be in the desert. Abby leaves today, which is a total bummer. But I have to admit, I'm a little jealous because she's getting to go to Seattle. Maybe I can go visit her, and she can take me to Kurt Cobain's grave. Um, okay, I'm really drawing a blank now on what to write, so I guess I'm just going to watch a movie or something. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

We're in the middle of a base exercise, but we're not really doing anything. We've just been told to stand-by, so everyone is pretty much goofing off and playing cards and what-not. My weekend was kinda good and kinda not so good. I had fun and stuff. Eating dinner with friends. Drinking beers with the guys. Going to the movies. Laying on my couch. But the mood still remains. Emotionally, I'm a wreck. I've never felt so un-loved in all my life. And it's totally stupid for me to feel that way. Everyone is always telling me and showing me how much they love me. Everyone except the one person I want to say it. And that's why I feel like shit. But, you know, even if nobody told me, I still have no reason to feel this way. I need to feel worthy of God's love. I need to realize the extent of Christ's love and what He went through for me. Who gives a rat's ass how much people love me? Well, I guess I do. Anyway, if the exercise keeps going like it is, I'm sure I'll write more later on this week. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Whoa. I hadn't realized how long it's been since I last wrote. I went to Sapporo last weekend for the big Snow Festival, which was pretty amazing. Work this week has been really busy, but good. We have another three day weekend because of President's Day, but the extent of my activities will involve laying on my couch and watching movies, most likely. I'd really like to go snowboarding, but the ankle is still sore, and I don't want to take any chances.
For some reason, I'm still down, and I don't really know why. I have short periods of happiness, but overall, I have this general mood of muddiness. I still think I put too much faith in other people, and let them determine how happy I am. If someone doesn't call me back, it's automatically my fault. Apparently, I'm not good enough to get a phone call. And it's a downward spiral from there. Then that compounds upon the fact I always want what I can't have. If anybody ever has a crush on me, all they have to do is play "hard-to-get," and I'm theirs.
We have a base exercise starting on Tuesday that's supposed to last a week, but I'm not too worried about it. It will probably be really slow, and I'm just going to go with the flow. After that, Paul, Trish, Jean-Marie, and I will be going down to Tokyo for a 4-day vacation. I think it will be really fun. Hopefully by then, my ankle will be better, and I can get in some snowboarding before I take off for the desert.
Anyway, that's gonna be all for me today. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Going, going, going. It's been a busy weekend. It actually started on Thursday. I went down to Tokyo with my friend Kerry to see Belle & Sebastian. It was a great show. We stayed overnight with her sis, Simone. Then shopped all day Friday. I came back Friday night, and totally crashed out. On Saturday, I went snowboarding with Jay, which was pretty cool. I've missed the past two weekends because of my ankle, and it was nice to hit the slopes again. That is, until we were going through some trees, and I caught my edge and jacked up my ankle again. I managed to board the rest of the day, but I went really easy. I'm supposed to go again tomorrow, but I'm not sure if I'm gonna make it. On one hand, I hate missing potential snowboarding days. On the other hand, it might be nice to have a day to relax before I go back to work. Oh yeah, we have tomorrow off for the Super Bowl, which I have no intention of watching.
I really fell in love with Tokyo. Just being around so many people kind of gives me a buzz. It's fun to get around and watch all the people. There's so much to do and so much to see. I kind of made a decision. I'm probably going to stay in the Air Force. I mean, there's a lot of stuff I really don't like about it, but it's what gives me the greatest opportunity for travel, which I've found I love more than anything. I'll always have a certain place in my heart for the States, but the world is too big to grow roots in one country and in one culture.
Anyway, there's tons more I'd like to write about, but I'm really hungry. I'm only working Tuesday and Wednesday this week. I'm taking more leave this weekend to go up to Sapporo for the Ice Festival, which should be totally amazing. Okay, I'm gonna cook. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

I've watched "The Royal Tenenbaums" three times in the past week, and cried every time. I love how Ben Stiller realizes what a dick he's been and finally forgives his father. And Anjelica Houston's character kind of reminds me of my own mother, somehow.
In other news, I'm really hoping for some good conversation this weekend. The numbness hasn't disappeared or anything, but I think some serious social activity with regained friends could help out a lot. I'd like to snowboard, too, but if my ankle is still sore, then I'll have to skip again.
I watched part of the "State of the Union" address yesterday, and then got online and read the whole thing. I'm so frustrated with that man. What's worse is that he does all his deeds in the name of Christ. Since when is Christ all about greed and murder? Craziness.
Okay, well, I'm gonna get back to work. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

In the distance, a glimmer of light. Hope. Contact has been made.

I find myself becoming numb. My emotions are disappearing. I don't get excited or upset or happy or depressed. The only thing I'm feeling is a general sense of apathy. Ben and Abby are leaving soon, and it's not like I don't want them to stay, but I'm having a hard time working up feelings of grief. I'm going to have to make a major decision pretty soon about whether or not to stay in the Air Force, but thinking about it is not a priority. My cousin is going through a major drug problem, but praying for him isn't at the top of my list of things to do. I hate all this middle-of-the-road bullshit. I'd rather be ice cold than luke warm.

So alone.
I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen.
This desperation is killing me.

Yeah, so I'm really sick. Actually, I was sick. I'm feeling a little better now. I started hurling yesterday afternoon, so I went to the doc this morning, and they sent me home for a day. I just slept all afternoon, then decided to watch a movie. "Wonder Boys." Good flick. I feel like I can identify with Michael Douglas's character. He has all these problems and situations that seem to keep building up throughout the film, and he doesn't really deal with any of them directly. In fact, it kinda seems like he just ignores them and hopes they'll go away. Like he can't really accept responsibility for the decisions he makes. I'm the same way. I have issues and problems and responsibilities, and I never want to deal with them. It probably comes from being so spoiled when I was younger. I've never really had to make a lot of decisions on my own. It was just expected that I go to college as soon as I finish high school. It was just expected that I be a music major. It seems everything I've done, I've done just because people expect me to. I'm not even sure I know what I want to do or should do. One day, I'm really going to back myself into a corner, and there's not going to be anyone around to help me out, and then I'll really be fucked.
So, anyway, I think I'm going to watch another movie. "The Royal Tannenbaums," maybe. Or possibly "Dr. Strangelove." I haven't decided yet. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

The holidays are over. I'm back at work. It's hectic, but I'm not really stressing or anything. Let's flashback to Christmas and New Years, shall we?
...so, for Christmas, I basically hung out at the Hospitality House. It was really a good time. I can't really explain why. I mean, it's not like we were up all night partying. It's just nice to be mellow and comfortable with my friends. And the HH is such a haven. New Years was pretty much the same way. I had 11 days off of work, and I was either hanging out at the HH, snowboarding, or laying on my couch watching movies. Not very eventful, but much appreciated.
I think the love feelings are slowly fading away. It's strange, though. I'm glad, but I kind of almost miss the pain, in a way. I don't think it's completely over by any means, and I'm sure something will set it off again. But at least I'm making progress, I think. Unless I do something stupid.
I completed my deployment paperwork this morning, which means I'm for sure on the list to go to the desert (again) in March. I'm really not sure how I feel about it. I like going to the desert, and the money is always nice, but I'm supposed to be leaving Misawa in July, and I was looking forward to spending the last few months in Japan with my friends. I can't really stress about it, though. God must be sending me there for some reason, so I'll just go along with it.
Anyway, I'm going to get back to work. Hopefully, I'll get back to writing steadily, now that things are back to normal (for a while, at least). Take care. No worries. God Bless.

So, it's Christmas Eve. I've really been in the Christmas spirit up until this week. Work has been killing me. I hate stressing over anything as stupid as work, and this week it's been one emergency after another. But I only have a few more hours to endure, and then I'll be off for 11 days! I'm really looking forward to just being mellow and hanging out with friends and snowboarding and stuff. Anyway, I don't really have much to report. I just wanted to check in since it's been a while since I last wrote. I hope everyone has a great Christmas. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

I watched another movie last night called "Auto Focus" about Bob Crane, the guy who played Hogan on the old television show "Hogan's Heroes." Greg Kinnear played Crane, and he was pretty good. The movie got a little slow toward the end, but it was a good study into how easy it can be for people to sink down into a world of lust and deceit. Plus, with movies based upon someone's life, you kind of have to take it all with a grain of salt. It's probably 90% Hollywood and 10% fact. Regardless, it was entertaining. Also, I forgot to mention that on Sunday, I also watched Ellen Degeneres's new DVD of her stand-up act. Very funny and highly recommended. Good commentaries on modern life, and no harsh language at all.
Anyway, that's all I have on which to comment for now. I may write more later today. I may not write for a few days. Who knows? Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Despite the fact I've been on stand-by and had lots of ridiculous calls, I managed to have a pretty good weekend. I went to Abby's Christmas party on Saturday night and won an X-Box and a big bottle of saki. After that, we went to the HH and I had a really good talk with Don. He gave me some advice, good advice, but I'm kind of an idiot, and I'm not so sure I'm going to follow it. I feel like I need to reach out somehow, and if I don't, I'll never know what could've been. And afterward, after I get burned, I'm going to feel hurt and ashamed and full of regret. I just don't see how someone could just drop a friend, and act like they were never friends in the first place. I'm sick of dwelling on this.
In other news, I rented a few movies yesterday, one of which was this Pedro Almodovar movie called "Talk to Her," and it was great. It's about this friendship that develops between two guys who meet in a hospital while caring for women in comas. Eerie and disturbing, but challenging and passionate at the same time. I'm developing more and more of an appreciation for Hispanic film makers.
Anyway, I'm going to get back to work. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

So the week has kind of gone downhill since Tuesday. Nothing really horrible, but just a bunch of small stuff that's piled up. There's really nothing major enough to go into, though. My biggest issue right now is that I've kind of realized how quickly I fall in love. Not true love, obviously, but just becoming infatuated with people. And I think one of the causes is trying to obtain what I can't have. Just because someone is unavailable makes me try even harder. And when nothing happens, it just ends up making me crash harder. So anyway, if that's the problem, I just need to figure out how to fix it, which may not even be possible. I just feel like I'm putting myself through a lot of needless torture. I want it to end.
I've been listening to a lot of Radiohead and PJ Harvey lately. I don't know if it has more to do with the weather, or my mood. The music is so dark, but when I listen to one of their albums in its entirety, I always feel so much better. It's like a journey.
I picked up the stand-by pager this morning, so all weekend, I'm going to have this hanging over my head. There's really nothing I like less than being on stand-by. Oh, well. It's only for a week, and then I'll have nothing else looming overhead, and I can have a relaxing Christmas and New Years. But, despite the whole stand-by thing, I'm looking forward to an enjoyable weekend. I'm going to Abby's Christmas Party on Saturday night, which should be a blast.
Okay, I guess that's all I'm going to talk about. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Good week, so far. I had a great run yesterday morning, and another one today. Hung out with Ben last night. Going to dinner at Melissa's tomorrow night. I start stand-by on Thursday, which I'm really not looking forward to. Paul and Trish come back Friday, and were wanting to go snowboarding on Saturday, but I guess I'll just have to sit this one out. Bummer. Anyway, I guess I'm in a pretty good mood. Christmas is coming. I haven't done any shopping yet. I like making CDs for people. Maybe that would be a good Christmas gift. I think this has been the most random-thought-led entry I've made. I'm going to get back to work now. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

I'm kinda down this weekend. I'm feeling socially awkward for some reason. There just seems to be some kind of barrier between me and everyone else. It's keeping me from connecting with anyone. I mean, I'm talking to people and stuff, but the conversations just aren't going where they should or going as deep as they should. Not that I'm expecting some big thing to happen every time I talk to someone, but the past couple days have been like I'm talking to foreigners or something. I went and saw "Kill Bill" again last night. I met Caleb there, and he really enjoyed it. My friend Ryan was supposed to go with me, and he ended up bailing on me at the last minute, which kind of upset me. He talks about wanting to hang out, so I get all excited, but he never follows through. It's so frustrating.
I went to eat earlier tonight with some guys from work, and afterward, I decided to just rent some movies and go home. But unfortunately, the shoppette was closed, so I figured this was God's way of telling me not to skip Bible Study. I've mentioned times where I don't really feel like going to the House, but then I do, and I feel much better. Well, tonight, I didn't feel like going to the House, but I went, and I still don't feel much better. I don't know what my deal is. When I was eating dinner earlier tonight, there were four of us sitting at the table, and there was hardly any conversation at all. I like these guys, but I just couldn't think of anything to say. And then after Bible Study at the House, I was sitting around with everyone, and the same thing happened. It's not like I feel like I have to be talking the whole time, but I literally could not think of anything to say. Suffocating. It's like I know all these people so well, yet I'm feeling so alone. I'm feeling a lot of pain for Don right now. The next two weeks are going to be chaotic at work. I'm feeling a little anxiety about Christmas coming up. I've spent way too much money on myself lately. There's something that's lacking, but I have no clue what it is. I wish it were something a little more obvious, so I'd at least have a goal toward which to work. But, no, I'm just floating around, with no clue if I'm even going the right direction, if I'm helping anybody, if I should ask out Abby, if I should try to resolve conflicts with people who don't want to talk to me, if I should continue with this cross train, if I'm even going to be in the Air Force in 8 months.
Okay, I'm getting really tired. I guess I'm going to hit the sack. I'm still sleeping on my couch for some reason. I've been sleeping down here for about two months, and I really can't give a reason why. Craziness. Uh, yeah. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

I'm so sick of all this crap. I'm sick of being ignored. I'm sick of being stood up. I'm sick of having faith in my friends and being let down. I'm sick of all this self-loathing.
I don't think there's anything I can write that I haven't written before, so I'll go into something new, and try to quit dwelling on all this negative stuff. The weekend was decent. The best part was Friday night when we decorated the Christmas tree at the HH. In other news, Abby found out yesterday she made Senior Airman Below the Zone. She's so involved in everything, it's kind of a given. Regardless, I'm still proud of her. We were e-mailing back and forth yesterday, and then I got this weird e-mail from the other airman in her office asking me about friends dating and stuff. It makes me wonder if she and Abby were talking about it. So the airman girl pretty much told me that she thinks Abby and I should go out. I really don't think so, though. I mean, there was a time when I thought about it, but now I think the odds are just stacked against it. A) she's leaving in February. B) I like being friends with her, and I don't want to jeopardize it. C) she's much more conservative than I am. D) I don't think I could be totally honest with her. So, yeah, I guess that's about it.
Why do we feed on hurt and anger? I don't want to feel this way, but I just wallow in it.
I had a dream last night that I moved into a new house, and it was really nice. It was extra strange because I was getting ready to PCS, and my parents were visiting, and I was all worried about painting the walls in my old house before I left. Why would I move into a new house a week before I PCS? Craziness. Okay, I'm gonna get back to work. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

You know, I feel like I just can't deal with this pain much longer. Now I've got two people ignoring me. I don't know what conversations are going on, but I really feel betrayed. We were both at a party earlier tonight, and eye contact was made, albeit briefly, and that was it. I felt like such a loser until Melissa showed up. She says just to let it go, and I'd really like to, but it's just one of those stupid things that I keep holding on to. I'm debating on just walking up to them both, shaking them, and asking what the fucking deal is. I just want to save the friendship. I mean, aren't I at least allowed an explanation?
So, yeah, today was Thanksgiving, and it was okay, I guess. I laid on my couch until about 2:30, then got up, showered, and went to my troop's house for a couple hours. It was really nice, and there are certain people from work that I like hanging out with outside of work, most of whom were present. Then I went to the Hospitality House. At first, I really didn't feel the vibe, and I kept thinking about leaving, but I didn't, and I'm glad I didn't because I ended up having a good time. The best part, though, is going to be tomorrow night when we decorate the Christmas tree. This is the event that really puts me in the Spirit each year. That's the way it's always been since I was a kid. I remember going to my grandparents house with the whole family and we always made such a big deal about trimming the tree. I think it's because so much of Christmas is all about the anticipation and the build up. The tree is just what really sets it all off. But, I digress. So anyway, I stayed at the HH until 10-ish, then went to the aforementioned party. The main reason I wanted to go to the party, though, was because my friend Chappy, who PCS'd to Yakota a few months ago, is back in town this weekend, and he was there. So either way, it was great to see him again. But as far as the original issue, right now I'm just feeling so emotionally wasted. I'm torn between a) just trying to ignore the whole issue and remove myself from it all (which is near impossible) and b) growing a pair and getting all confrontational (which probably won't happen). Frustration. Hurt.
Okay, I'm really tired right now, so I'm gonna hit the sack. Sorry if this entry has been a little random. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

A few weeks ago, I typed up this e-mail to a couple friends of mine, but never sent it. It's been sitting in my "Drafts" folder for quite a while now. And the way it looks, I'll probably never send it. I think it's one of my better essays, so, I figured, instead of letting it go to waste, I'll just post it here, totally unedited. Enjoy!

I've heard it said that people are strange when you're a stranger. Well, when you think about it, we're all strangers. Nobody really knows anybody. (I think I heard that in a movie recently.) I mean, I talk to people, and tell them about what goes on in my head, but do they really know me? Can they predict what decision I'm going to make at any given time upon encountering a certain problem or opportunity. I seriously doubt there's anyone I truly know. There are people with whom I've been friends for years that still surprise me from time to time. I constantly have this fear in the back of my mind that no one is being completely honest with me about how they feel. Even close friends, when asked why they chose a particular option or path, won't tell me anything other than, "I don't know," which is total bullshit. Of course they know. They are either too lazy to go into it, or they fear my reaction to their truest feelings. How can we be expected to have healthy relationships amongst each other when we can't even be honest? I mean, other than a solid relationship with God, the best thing we can attain in this world is healthy relationships with our brothers. And when I say "brother," I don't mean like an actual brother. I mean it in the way black people use it, which is more meaningful, I think. (Did you like my comic relief there?) Regardless, healthy relationships don't just happen on their own. We have to work at them. We have to be willing to risk being hurt. We have to love. Love isn't just a feeling. It's a choice. As of this moment, I am choosing to love each of you to the best of my abilities. Now, I know that I will probably get emotionally hurt or upset. Not to be rude, but you guys aren't perfect, nor am I. If you choose to rely on me and expect me to be 100% honest with you, you're going to be disappointed. But that's what it takes. I'm willing to take that risk. You guys are my best friends here at Misawa, and I don't want it to be some kind of stupid, superficial kind of bond. I want us to be able to grow together and have meaningful experiences.

Okay, so now as I look back on this essay, I feel I should make a comment or two. I guess knowing someone is a little more than just being able to predict what they're going to do. I mean, if I knew beforehand everything somebody was going to do and say, then that would make our relationship rather boring. Variety is the spice of life, right? So that part may have been a little off, but I still stand by the whole "love is a choice" part.
Yeah, so I'm not sure why I decided to post that. I have plenty to write about. I had one of the best weekends I've had in a while. Friday night, a bunch of us from the HH played wally-ball, then hung out until way late. Saturday was Bible Study, which, I thought went pretty well. I mean, it never goes as well as I think it should. Like, when I'm planning it, I have this ideal sequence of events in my head, which somehow never ends up happening. Regardless, Saturday was probably the apex of my Bible Study leading abilities. After that, I went downtown with my friends Melissa and Ryan, who have been dating for about a week and a half. We just tossed back a few beers at various bars, then went back to Ryan's room. I didn't get home until 6 AM. I rarely have late nights like that, but they're fun every so often. I slept until noon on Sunday, which, I think, is the latest I've ever slept in my life. For some reason, it's just not in my nature to sleep late. Then I watched "The Spanish Prisoner" and "Shakespeare in Love." Both are excellent movies. TSP is just a good mystery, fun to watch, and intriguing to figure out. SIL is one of those movies that just makes me feel good. It makes me want to be in love. At Church last night, I finally saw James "Smurphy" Murphy, who I haven't seen in almost a year. It was great to see him again and hang out and catch up. After Church, I went to the HH, ate, and then went to karaoke with Abby, Jean-Marie, Jeni-Bomb, Smurphy, Biscuit, Jimmy, Laura, and Karen. So much fun! Then, last night, I had this really weird dream. I guess the planet had been taken over by aliens, and they brainwashed most of the people, or lobotomized them, or something. And I was with these other people that had somehow escaped, kind of like rebels. And we were living in these camps and trying to hide out. The general mood of everyone was really tense. I can't really remember any of the details, unfortunately.
Okay, I've really rambled on too long. I have some work to finish and several briefings to attend today. Luckily, this is only a three-day work week. I'm so looking forward to a long weekend of restoration and relaxation. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Searching myself for the hurt that needs healing...

The emotional rollercoaster that is my week keeps right on going, and it's starting to make me nauseated. I went to Cross Point last night, and I really didn't want to be there. Every week I think about telling Mark that I just can't do it anymore. Between staying late at work all the time and trying to devote time to this Bible Study, I just don't have the time or the energy. But then, after we started playing, I felt a lot better. Even though I have no ability to relate to middle school kids, it still was nice to be able to help provide this music for them and aid in their worship.
So, since I was feeling so good, I decided I was going to be assertive in the whole love situation, but it turned out really bad. In fact, there was no confrontation at all, yet I somehow ended up backing myself into a corner, giving myself no options. I have made a vow not to initiate any kind of future contact. So now I feel rotten. Worse than before. I want to break my vow and try to mend the friendship, or at least get an explanation. But I probably won't. My only consolation was that later, Jimmy and Caleb and I went to Komaki's and had a really nice onsen, and then I paid 1000 yen to get my feet massaged, and it was great. Despite being so unstable right now, I slept pretty good last night.
So now I'm at work, and I'm waiting on another guy because until he gets me his report, I can't do my report. This is the shit that keeps me here late all the time! Oh, yeah, I think I'm going to start cussing. I don't normally, unless it's for the greater humour of the situation. And it's not like I'm going to make every other word the f-word. I'm just going to use it for emphasis in certain situations. And there are a few words that are off limits that I just don't like the sound of, even though some people don't really think of them as bad words (i.e. sucks, tits, piss, and possibly a few others). And it's not like I'm going to use them around children or when my witness could be affected. Only around the closest of friends. I think my favorite phrase is, "What the hell?"
Okay, I now have a report in my hot little hand, so it's back to work. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

So, I went out to lunch with Don today, and pretty much laid everything out there. We've gone out to lunch before, and we always have good discussions, but I usually hold back. And he's expressed his frustration with me about how I'm hard to know. When I asked him to go out to lunch, I kind of told myself that I was going to tell him pretty much everything. And I did. Don's so compassionate. After our talk at lunch, and a second talk on the phone a few minutes ago, I feel as though I've been through a catharsis or something. It was very healing. He helped me understand a lot about the pain that I'm going through, and that God may be allowing all this to happen for a reason. It's all a big journey. I'm sure I've heard it all before, but somehow, it just seemed to make so much sense today. And I know I've still got a lot to go through, but it's nice to know that there are people out there who understand and sympathize. That's all I have to say about that, I guess.
I've been listening to Fiona Apple all day. She's so sullen and dark. Her songs are all about twisted love and desperation. Piano driven and bluesy.
I called my Mom today. It's her birthday. She and Dad and Chris were getting ready to go out to eat. I love doing stuff like that with the fam. Talking with my Mom is such a trip. I talk for about 4 minutes about what's going on here, and then she shares all the family and local news for about 45 minutes. And I can always hear Rudy let out a bark or two. Funny stuff.
I was originally supposed to go out to dinner with Mikey tonight, but I called him and left a message and still haven't heard anything, so Abby and Ben and I are going to go instead. At first, Ben said he wouldn't go because he wanted to save money, but I convinced him. I can talk that boy into anything.
Okay, I really need to hop in the shower. Ben and Abs are supposed to be here any minute, and I'm still in uniform. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

So, you know when I said the love thing has taken a turn, but I wasn't sure if it was good or bad? Well, it's bad. Worse than bad. I thought things were going to kind of straighten out, but now it looks as though that's not going to happen. Communication has siezed. I'm feeling empty, insecure, and rotten. And I don't really know why. I have not done anything wrong. Feelings were expressed, and agreements were made, but apparantly the whole freak-outed-ness thing has happened in the worst way. But you know what? I'm going to do my best to pick up, carry on, and still choose the action of love and practicing purposeful acts of love. I refuse to be bitter. Maybe depressed, but never bitter. I have no one to blame but myself. I'm going to do my best to move on.
I feel my morals slipping. Laziness. Regret. I've been looking for a scapegoat. I doubt one exists.
So yesterday, a bunch of people from the Hospitality House went to the Salmon Festival in Shimoda. It was really fun and quite interesting. Basically, you get into this knee deep water and try to catch a salmon with your bare hands. Unfortunately, I was a little slow, and didn't get a fish; however, everyone else did, so we dined on grilled salmon, broiled salmon, salmon cakes, etc. last night after church. Definitely one of the best meals I've had in a while.
I appreciate Abby more and more each day. I was watching her as she led worship last night at Chapel, and I just couldn't help but smile. She's like an angel up there. So in tune with God. So at home in worship. I crave being around her, just because I feel the Lord's presence.
Okay, this has been a really multiple personality-ish entry, so I'm just going to close. I have a little more work to finish before the end of the day anyway. Brad and I are supposed to get food and watch Fantasia 2000 tonight. Tomorrow is lunch with Don. The rest of the week is kind of fuzzy. Luckily, next week is only a three-day work week due to the Thanksgiving holiday. I'm sure I'll write more about that in my next entry. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

I'm working today. Everyone else is off, but I'm working. But you know what? I'm not really too bitter about it. I mean, I didn't appreciate having to get up early this morning, but it's not like I had any big plans today or anything. I still have tomorrow off for Veteran's Day.
Last night, after Church, several of us went to Shimoda to see "The Matrix: Revolutions." Two words: don't bother. In my humble opinion, they should have left well enough alone with the first one. They tried to make this whole saga, and answer all these questions, but all they did, really, was deny there were any questions to answer. Also, if they make such a big deal about this being "the end," then there should be no hints at yet another sequel. And, above all, it just wasn't very entertaining. Enough of my criticizing.
As for the whole love situation, I'm really kind of clueless. There has been no interaction whatsoever in a week. I think there is some freak-outed-ness going on. I don't know what to do. I guess I'm just going to be patient.
Bible Study on Saturday went okay, I guess. I'm still really not comfortable with the whole thing. I keep telling myself that I'm going to give it just one more week, but obviously, I haven't followed through.
Since I'm not really even supposed to be here today, I think I'm going to skip out a little early and hit the gym. Brad and I are supposed to go onsen tonight, so that should be nice and relaxing. Plus, I have some major house cleaning to do because I guess I inadvertently invited a bunch of people to my house to watch movies tomorrow. That's okay, though. Maybe it will do me some good.
Okay, I'm going to finish up some work and take off. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Okay, so the whole love issue has kind of taken a turn, but I'm still not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. We've kind of opened up to each other, and I'm very optimistic; however, something is telling me I shouldn't be. I mean, I know it's a good thing to be optimistic, but I just know I'm going to get so emotional over everything, and end up going through a lot of pain. I really don't like that aspect of my personality. I don't want to smother anyone. Oh, well. The same thing happened in Vegas. You think I'd be able to handle stuff like this by now. You think I'd be able to learn from past experiences. You think I'd be able to control my emotions a little better. Love does strange things to people.
So, I'm off work today. Yay! I test for Tech tomorrow, so today is kind of a prep day. To be honest, I have no intentions of studying at all. In fact, I've put about as many hours into studying for Tech as I did for Staff, which is zero. I don't expect to make it or anything. Maybe if the whole cross-train thing goes through, then I'll put a little more of an effort forth next year.
Oh! Last Wednesday, several friends and I went to go see "Kill Bill," which I thought was great. Very bloody, but still visually stunning. I think I'm going to see it again sometime this week. I really appreciate Quentin Tarantino.
Okay, I guess I'm going to get up off my couch (on which I've been sleeping for the past month), and do some yoga, then hit the gym, then slack off for the rest of the day.

All of our exercises are over! We had the big inspection last week, and now it's over. A big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. So now, I'm back to being bored at work.
The whole love situation is a little better. I kind of distanced myself from the whole thing for a while, and I think I'm getting back to my right mind again.
So, I've been leading the men's small group Bible study on Saturday nights. So far, I've done two sessions, and honestly, I really don't think it's working too well. There are all these really smart, intellectual guys in there, and I guess I was thinking that I could teach them something, but they get into these big discussions, and I end up feeling like a big idiot. I'm gonna give it two more weeks, and if it doesn't improve, then I'm going to tell Don I have to drop it. I'm just not cut out for this type of thing. I have neither the education nor the spiritual fortitude for such an undertaking.
Okay, I'm going to get back to work. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

So we're in the middle of a big exercise right now. So far, it's been really easy, though. We got recalled on Wednesday, went through our bags, and then went home for the rest of the day. We came in Thursday, and then went home for the rest of the day. Today, however, we came in this morning, and found out we'll be going through the processing line. That's really no big deal, either. The part that's going to stink is when we move into the second phase and we have to wear around all our chem gear and stuff. It will all be over by Tuesday, though.
There's a lot more I'd like to write about the whole love situation. Maybe later. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

I had a relatively uneventful weekend. I went to the Hospitality House on Friday night, which was pretty fun, I guess. We watched several episodes of The Simpsons, which is never a bad thing. Saturday, I went to lunch, then shopping with Abby, which is never a bad thing, either. Saturday night, I just laid on my couch and watched movies. Sunday, I went shopping by myself and bought a snowboard. Sunday night was Church. Even though I didn't really do too much, it seemed to totally fly by. We start exercising this week, and I just don't even care anymore. Not that I ever really did. I just want to get the whole thing over with. I'm going to put forth minimal effort and endure whatever I have to endure.
I've never had job stress like I do now. It stinks.
I'm going out to dinner with Paul and Trish tonight, which is cool. But, for some reason, I'm not as excited about it as I should be. Paul and Trish are way cool and I always have a good time hanging out with them. I have been spending a lot of time by myself at home lately, and I think it's kind of becoming addictive. I used to crave being around people and going out to eat with friends and having gatherings at my house. Now I just want to sit at home and watch movies and lay around. It's not a physical laziness, but more of a social laziness, if there is such a thing. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but right now, I just want to go home. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Do I put too high an expectation on my friends? I constantly feel let down. Are most people just really inconsiderate? Maybe I'm just making a big deal about stupid things.
I've been playing piano for the Junior High Crosspoint group at the Chapel on Wednesday nights. I really don't feel as if I'm contributing anything, though. Plus, Mark Kellond, the leader guy, wants us to kind of get involved with the kids. I really have no clue how to relate to junior high kids. I think I'm going to drop this whole obligation. This may be the wrong course of action, though. I kind of feel like I just need more time to myself to relax at home alone, but maybe that's the last thing I need. Maybe I just need to hang out with people from the Hospitality House more often. I rarely go on Saturday nights, and that's the Bible Study that I'm getting ready to take over. Confused. Lonely. Easily emotionally disturbed. I was on my way to work this morning listening to this Mary Chapin-Carpenter song about a wife who leads this picture-perfect life with a husband and three children and suddenly she leaves him because she doesn't love him anymore. I've always liked the song, but for some reason this morning I got all upset when I listened to it. I was trying to sing along but I got all choked up and stuff. Some songs occassionally do that to me, but not as bad as it was today. I once read that men's testosterone levels tend to be a lot higher around October. I wonder if it's some kind of hormone thing. Ugh! Now I sound like a chick. I'm gonna go now. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Okay, so here's the dealio: I think I've fallen in love with the wrong person. That's really all I can say. I'm in this private little hell and I'm pretty sure this is what's causing the whole depression. The same thing happened when I lived in Vegas, and I'm not really even sure how to handle it. It's making me crazy.
I'm really working on trying to openly love my friends. I want to know them, and I want them to know me.
I don't know what to do about anything. I think I'm just in some kind of rut, and I don't know what to blame it on. Maybe there's really nothing at fault except me and my human nature. Frustration, depression, cluelessness. Something has got to give.
Okay, I'm going to clean my house now. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Deeper...deeper...deeper still. It's happening and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I stayed at work until 8:00 last night. I guess the work part wasn't too bad, but there was just a lot of stuff I wanted to get done that I had to put off. I was a little frazzled when I left. Luckily, my friends Jimmy and Caleb went to the onsen with me and it was very relaxing.
I'm supposed to start leading the men's small group Bible study starting on the 4th of October. I think we're in the middle of an exercise then, so it may have to get pushed back a week. I think I'm going to do a study on "The Divine Conspiracy" by Dallas Willard. I really don't feel fit do do any kind of Bible study right now, but I've already told Don I'd do it, and I don't want to be a wuss and back out now.
Okay, I have lots to do today, so I'm going to get busy. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Today's word of the day at dictionary.com was:
malaise \muh-LAYZ; -LEZ\, noun:
1. A vague feeling of discomfort in the body, as at the onset of illness.
2. A general feeling of depression or unease.
How appropriate. I have this weird feeling that something bad is about to happen. Not something tragic, like the death of a friend or family member or anything. Just some kind of happening that will inevitably push me deeper down into this funk I'm in. I don't think it's the exercise, because I kind of know what to expect from that. I probably won't know what it is until it's over. I feel unproductive at work. I feel lazy at home. The worst is that my relationship with God seems almost nonexistent. Also, I miss my friend Ben. We were so close before I got deployed. Now I'm back, and he leaves in February, but we've hardly hung out at all. I'm looking forward to the winter. There's something about the snow and the cold that makes people want to be together and get warm. I want to spend all winter either snowboarding or cooking food for people at my house laying around under blankets watching movies. I usually try to end on a positive note, so I guess the anticipation of winter is as positive as I'm going to get right now. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

I'm so down, all of the sudden. Like, seriously, down. I've even considered going to see a Chaplain or something. I didn't realize it until this morning, but I think it's been building up for a while. What's made it obvious to me, I guess, was a few recent events coupled with some realizations of some things I shouldn't have done. The events are things over which I have no control, so I really shouldn't be upset about them. I think I feel betrayed or let down, which is stupid. I should know by now that I can't always rely on people to do what is right. The things I shouldn't have done are not really decisions I made regarding certain choices. They are things I am feeling and I'm having some major difficulty controlling my emotions, for some reason. Why am I so drawn to the wrong people? Why do we desire what we know we can't have?
So, in other news, the SCUBA class is going really well. I'm having a lot of fun, but it's leaving me totally exhausted. We have a few more exercises in the pool tonight, our final exam tomorrow night, then open water dives on Saturday and Sunday. Then, I'll be certified for life! Also, on Saturday night is the Air Force Ball. I normally avoid stupid things like this, but this year, my friend Melissa and I were talking about it, and decided to go together as friends. Then our friend Ann asked if she could tag along. Despite having to put up with the whole formal military crap part of the night, I think it will be lots of fun, considering who my dates will be. Plus, after the dinner/program, we can change into civilian clothes for the dance. Good times!
Okay, I'm totally writing this at work, so I'm gonna get outta here. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Yay! I'm finally online! I'm working on getting all the wireless stuff hooked up, but at least I have access in my house.
So, overall, things are going pretty well back here. We have some big exercises coming up, but I'm not too worried about them. I'm getting ready to start a SCUBA diving certification class. I'm really looking forward to it. My friend Jay will be in there with me, and my friends Mikey and Paul are already certified, so I hope to get to see all kinds of cool Japanese marine life. Also, before long, it will be snowing, and I'm actually going to get to spend a winter here. There will be much snowboarding and onsening all winter long.
Anyway, I'm just home for lunch right now, so I have to get back to work. I hope all is well with everyone wherever you may be. Take care. No worries. God Bless.