Monday, September 29, 2003

I had a relatively uneventful weekend. I went to the Hospitality House on Friday night, which was pretty fun, I guess. We watched several episodes of The Simpsons, which is never a bad thing. Saturday, I went to lunch, then shopping with Abby, which is never a bad thing, either. Saturday night, I just laid on my couch and watched movies. Sunday, I went shopping by myself and bought a snowboard. Sunday night was Church. Even though I didn't really do too much, it seemed to totally fly by. We start exercising this week, and I just don't even care anymore. Not that I ever really did. I just want to get the whole thing over with. I'm going to put forth minimal effort and endure whatever I have to endure.
I've never had job stress like I do now. It stinks.
I'm going out to dinner with Paul and Trish tonight, which is cool. But, for some reason, I'm not as excited about it as I should be. Paul and Trish are way cool and I always have a good time hanging out with them. I have been spending a lot of time by myself at home lately, and I think it's kind of becoming addictive. I used to crave being around people and going out to eat with friends and having gatherings at my house. Now I just want to sit at home and watch movies and lay around. It's not a physical laziness, but more of a social laziness, if there is such a thing. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but right now, I just want to go home. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Thursday, September 25, 2003

Do I put too high an expectation on my friends? I constantly feel let down. Are most people just really inconsiderate? Maybe I'm just making a big deal about stupid things.
I've been playing piano for the Junior High Crosspoint group at the Chapel on Wednesday nights. I really don't feel as if I'm contributing anything, though. Plus, Mark Kellond, the leader guy, wants us to kind of get involved with the kids. I really have no clue how to relate to junior high kids. I think I'm going to drop this whole obligation. This may be the wrong course of action, though. I kind of feel like I just need more time to myself to relax at home alone, but maybe that's the last thing I need. Maybe I just need to hang out with people from the Hospitality House more often. I rarely go on Saturday nights, and that's the Bible Study that I'm getting ready to take over. Confused. Lonely. Easily emotionally disturbed. I was on my way to work this morning listening to this Mary Chapin-Carpenter song about a wife who leads this picture-perfect life with a husband and three children and suddenly she leaves him because she doesn't love him anymore. I've always liked the song, but for some reason this morning I got all upset when I listened to it. I was trying to sing along but I got all choked up and stuff. Some songs occassionally do that to me, but not as bad as it was today. I once read that men's testosterone levels tend to be a lot higher around October. I wonder if it's some kind of hormone thing. Ugh! Now I sound like a chick. I'm gonna go now. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

Okay, so here's the dealio: I think I've fallen in love with the wrong person. That's really all I can say. I'm in this private little hell and I'm pretty sure this is what's causing the whole depression. The same thing happened when I lived in Vegas, and I'm not really even sure how to handle it. It's making me crazy.
I'm really working on trying to openly love my friends. I want to know them, and I want them to know me.
I don't know what to do about anything. I think I'm just in some kind of rut, and I don't know what to blame it on. Maybe there's really nothing at fault except me and my human nature. Frustration, depression, cluelessness. Something has got to give.
Okay, I'm going to clean my house now. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Deeper...deeper...deeper still. It's happening and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I stayed at work until 8:00 last night. I guess the work part wasn't too bad, but there was just a lot of stuff I wanted to get done that I had to put off. I was a little frazzled when I left. Luckily, my friends Jimmy and Caleb went to the onsen with me and it was very relaxing.
I'm supposed to start leading the men's small group Bible study starting on the 4th of October. I think we're in the middle of an exercise then, so it may have to get pushed back a week. I think I'm going to do a study on "The Divine Conspiracy" by Dallas Willard. I really don't feel fit do do any kind of Bible study right now, but I've already told Don I'd do it, and I don't want to be a wuss and back out now.
Okay, I have lots to do today, so I'm going to get busy. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Friday, September 19, 2003

Today's word of the day at was:
malaise \muh-LAYZ; -LEZ\, noun:
1. A vague feeling of discomfort in the body, as at the onset of illness.
2. A general feeling of depression or unease.
How appropriate. I have this weird feeling that something bad is about to happen. Not something tragic, like the death of a friend or family member or anything. Just some kind of happening that will inevitably push me deeper down into this funk I'm in. I don't think it's the exercise, because I kind of know what to expect from that. I probably won't know what it is until it's over. I feel unproductive at work. I feel lazy at home. The worst is that my relationship with God seems almost nonexistent. Also, I miss my friend Ben. We were so close before I got deployed. Now I'm back, and he leaves in February, but we've hardly hung out at all. I'm looking forward to the winter. There's something about the snow and the cold that makes people want to be together and get warm. I want to spend all winter either snowboarding or cooking food for people at my house laying around under blankets watching movies. I usually try to end on a positive note, so I guess the anticipation of winter is as positive as I'm going to get right now. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Thursday, September 18, 2003

I'm so down, all of the sudden. Like, seriously, down. I've even considered going to see a Chaplain or something. I didn't realize it until this morning, but I think it's been building up for a while. What's made it obvious to me, I guess, was a few recent events coupled with some realizations of some things I shouldn't have done. The events are things over which I have no control, so I really shouldn't be upset about them. I think I feel betrayed or let down, which is stupid. I should know by now that I can't always rely on people to do what is right. The things I shouldn't have done are not really decisions I made regarding certain choices. They are things I am feeling and I'm having some major difficulty controlling my emotions, for some reason. Why am I so drawn to the wrong people? Why do we desire what we know we can't have?
So, in other news, the SCUBA class is going really well. I'm having a lot of fun, but it's leaving me totally exhausted. We have a few more exercises in the pool tonight, our final exam tomorrow night, then open water dives on Saturday and Sunday. Then, I'll be certified for life! Also, on Saturday night is the Air Force Ball. I normally avoid stupid things like this, but this year, my friend Melissa and I were talking about it, and decided to go together as friends. Then our friend Ann asked if she could tag along. Despite having to put up with the whole formal military crap part of the night, I think it will be lots of fun, considering who my dates will be. Plus, after the dinner/program, we can change into civilian clothes for the dance. Good times!
Okay, I'm totally writing this at work, so I'm gonna get outta here. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

Yay! I'm finally online! I'm working on getting all the wireless stuff hooked up, but at least I have access in my house.
So, overall, things are going pretty well back here. We have some big exercises coming up, but I'm not too worried about them. I'm getting ready to start a SCUBA diving certification class. I'm really looking forward to it. My friend Jay will be in there with me, and my friends Mikey and Paul are already certified, so I hope to get to see all kinds of cool Japanese marine life. Also, before long, it will be snowing, and I'm actually going to get to spend a winter here. There will be much snowboarding and onsening all winter long.
Anyway, I'm just home for lunch right now, so I have to get back to work. I hope all is well with everyone wherever you may be. Take care. No worries. God Bless.