Wednesday, December 24, 2003

So, it's Christmas Eve. I've really been in the Christmas spirit up until this week. Work has been killing me. I hate stressing over anything as stupid as work, and this week it's been one emergency after another. But I only have a few more hours to endure, and then I'll be off for 11 days! I'm really looking forward to just being mellow and hanging out with friends and snowboarding and stuff. Anyway, I don't really have much to report. I just wanted to check in since it's been a while since I last wrote. I hope everyone has a great Christmas. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

I watched another movie last night called "Auto Focus" about Bob Crane, the guy who played Hogan on the old television show "Hogan's Heroes." Greg Kinnear played Crane, and he was pretty good. The movie got a little slow toward the end, but it was a good study into how easy it can be for people to sink down into a world of lust and deceit. Plus, with movies based upon someone's life, you kind of have to take it all with a grain of salt. It's probably 90% Hollywood and 10% fact. Regardless, it was entertaining. Also, I forgot to mention that on Sunday, I also watched Ellen Degeneres's new DVD of her stand-up act. Very funny and highly recommended. Good commentaries on modern life, and no harsh language at all.
Anyway, that's all I have on which to comment for now. I may write more later today. I may not write for a few days. Who knows? Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Monday, December 15, 2003

Despite the fact I've been on stand-by and had lots of ridiculous calls, I managed to have a pretty good weekend. I went to Abby's Christmas party on Saturday night and won an X-Box and a big bottle of saki. After that, we went to the HH and I had a really good talk with Don. He gave me some advice, good advice, but I'm kind of an idiot, and I'm not so sure I'm going to follow it. I feel like I need to reach out somehow, and if I don't, I'll never know what could've been. And afterward, after I get burned, I'm going to feel hurt and ashamed and full of regret. I just don't see how someone could just drop a friend, and act like they were never friends in the first place. I'm sick of dwelling on this.
In other news, I rented a few movies yesterday, one of which was this Pedro Almodovar movie called "Talk to Her," and it was great. It's about this friendship that develops between two guys who meet in a hospital while caring for women in comas. Eerie and disturbing, but challenging and passionate at the same time. I'm developing more and more of an appreciation for Hispanic film makers.
Anyway, I'm going to get back to work. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

So the week has kind of gone downhill since Tuesday. Nothing really horrible, but just a bunch of small stuff that's piled up. There's really nothing major enough to go into, though. My biggest issue right now is that I've kind of realized how quickly I fall in love. Not true love, obviously, but just becoming infatuated with people. And I think one of the causes is trying to obtain what I can't have. Just because someone is unavailable makes me try even harder. And when nothing happens, it just ends up making me crash harder. So anyway, if that's the problem, I just need to figure out how to fix it, which may not even be possible. I just feel like I'm putting myself through a lot of needless torture. I want it to end.
I've been listening to a lot of Radiohead and PJ Harvey lately. I don't know if it has more to do with the weather, or my mood. The music is so dark, but when I listen to one of their albums in its entirety, I always feel so much better. It's like a journey.
I picked up the stand-by pager this morning, so all weekend, I'm going to have this hanging over my head. There's really nothing I like less than being on stand-by. Oh, well. It's only for a week, and then I'll have nothing else looming overhead, and I can have a relaxing Christmas and New Years. But, despite the whole stand-by thing, I'm looking forward to an enjoyable weekend. I'm going to Abby's Christmas Party on Saturday night, which should be a blast.
Okay, I guess that's all I'm going to talk about. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Good week, so far. I had a great run yesterday morning, and another one today. Hung out with Ben last night. Going to dinner at Melissa's tomorrow night. I start stand-by on Thursday, which I'm really not looking forward to. Paul and Trish come back Friday, and were wanting to go snowboarding on Saturday, but I guess I'll just have to sit this one out. Bummer. Anyway, I guess I'm in a pretty good mood. Christmas is coming. I haven't done any shopping yet. I like making CDs for people. Maybe that would be a good Christmas gift. I think this has been the most random-thought-led entry I've made. I'm going to get back to work now. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Saturday, December 06, 2003

I'm kinda down this weekend. I'm feeling socially awkward for some reason. There just seems to be some kind of barrier between me and everyone else. It's keeping me from connecting with anyone. I mean, I'm talking to people and stuff, but the conversations just aren't going where they should or going as deep as they should. Not that I'm expecting some big thing to happen every time I talk to someone, but the past couple days have been like I'm talking to foreigners or something. I went and saw "Kill Bill" again last night. I met Caleb there, and he really enjoyed it. My friend Ryan was supposed to go with me, and he ended up bailing on me at the last minute, which kind of upset me. He talks about wanting to hang out, so I get all excited, but he never follows through. It's so frustrating.
I went to eat earlier tonight with some guys from work, and afterward, I decided to just rent some movies and go home. But unfortunately, the shoppette was closed, so I figured this was God's way of telling me not to skip Bible Study. I've mentioned times where I don't really feel like going to the House, but then I do, and I feel much better. Well, tonight, I didn't feel like going to the House, but I went, and I still don't feel much better. I don't know what my deal is. When I was eating dinner earlier tonight, there were four of us sitting at the table, and there was hardly any conversation at all. I like these guys, but I just couldn't think of anything to say. And then after Bible Study at the House, I was sitting around with everyone, and the same thing happened. It's not like I feel like I have to be talking the whole time, but I literally could not think of anything to say. Suffocating. It's like I know all these people so well, yet I'm feeling so alone. I'm feeling a lot of pain for Don right now. The next two weeks are going to be chaotic at work. I'm feeling a little anxiety about Christmas coming up. I've spent way too much money on myself lately. There's something that's lacking, but I have no clue what it is. I wish it were something a little more obvious, so I'd at least have a goal toward which to work. But, no, I'm just floating around, with no clue if I'm even going the right direction, if I'm helping anybody, if I should ask out Abby, if I should try to resolve conflicts with people who don't want to talk to me, if I should continue with this cross train, if I'm even going to be in the Air Force in 8 months.
Okay, I'm getting really tired. I guess I'm going to hit the sack. I'm still sleeping on my couch for some reason. I've been sleeping down here for about two months, and I really can't give a reason why. Craziness. Uh, yeah. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

I'm so sick of all this crap. I'm sick of being ignored. I'm sick of being stood up. I'm sick of having faith in my friends and being let down. I'm sick of all this self-loathing.
I don't think there's anything I can write that I haven't written before, so I'll go into something new, and try to quit dwelling on all this negative stuff. The weekend was decent. The best part was Friday night when we decorated the Christmas tree at the HH. In other news, Abby found out yesterday she made Senior Airman Below the Zone. She's so involved in everything, it's kind of a given. Regardless, I'm still proud of her. We were e-mailing back and forth yesterday, and then I got this weird e-mail from the other airman in her office asking me about friends dating and stuff. It makes me wonder if she and Abby were talking about it. So the airman girl pretty much told me that she thinks Abby and I should go out. I really don't think so, though. I mean, there was a time when I thought about it, but now I think the odds are just stacked against it. A) she's leaving in February. B) I like being friends with her, and I don't want to jeopardize it. C) she's much more conservative than I am. D) I don't think I could be totally honest with her. So, yeah, I guess that's about it.
Why do we feed on hurt and anger? I don't want to feel this way, but I just wallow in it.
I had a dream last night that I moved into a new house, and it was really nice. It was extra strange because I was getting ready to PCS, and my parents were visiting, and I was all worried about painting the walls in my old house before I left. Why would I move into a new house a week before I PCS? Craziness. Okay, I'm gonna get back to work. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Thursday, November 27, 2003

You know, I feel like I just can't deal with this pain much longer. Now I've got two people ignoring me. I don't know what conversations are going on, but I really feel betrayed. We were both at a party earlier tonight, and eye contact was made, albeit briefly, and that was it. I felt like such a loser until Melissa showed up. She says just to let it go, and I'd really like to, but it's just one of those stupid things that I keep holding on to. I'm debating on just walking up to them both, shaking them, and asking what the fucking deal is. I just want to save the friendship. I mean, aren't I at least allowed an explanation?
So, yeah, today was Thanksgiving, and it was okay, I guess. I laid on my couch until about 2:30, then got up, showered, and went to my troop's house for a couple hours. It was really nice, and there are certain people from work that I like hanging out with outside of work, most of whom were present. Then I went to the Hospitality House. At first, I really didn't feel the vibe, and I kept thinking about leaving, but I didn't, and I'm glad I didn't because I ended up having a good time. The best part, though, is going to be tomorrow night when we decorate the Christmas tree. This is the event that really puts me in the Spirit each year. That's the way it's always been since I was a kid. I remember going to my grandparents house with the whole family and we always made such a big deal about trimming the tree. I think it's because so much of Christmas is all about the anticipation and the build up. The tree is just what really sets it all off. But, I digress. So anyway, I stayed at the HH until 10-ish, then went to the aforementioned party. The main reason I wanted to go to the party, though, was because my friend Chappy, who PCS'd to Yakota a few months ago, is back in town this weekend, and he was there. So either way, it was great to see him again. But as far as the original issue, right now I'm just feeling so emotionally wasted. I'm torn between a) just trying to ignore the whole issue and remove myself from it all (which is near impossible) and b) growing a pair and getting all confrontational (which probably won't happen). Frustration. Hurt.
Okay, I'm really tired right now, so I'm gonna hit the sack. Sorry if this entry has been a little random. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Monday, November 24, 2003

A few weeks ago, I typed up this e-mail to a couple friends of mine, but never sent it. It's been sitting in my "Drafts" folder for quite a while now. And the way it looks, I'll probably never send it. I think it's one of my better essays, so, I figured, instead of letting it go to waste, I'll just post it here, totally unedited. Enjoy!

I've heard it said that people are strange when you're a stranger. Well, when you think about it, we're all strangers. Nobody really knows anybody. (I think I heard that in a movie recently.) I mean, I talk to people, and tell them about what goes on in my head, but do they really know me? Can they predict what decision I'm going to make at any given time upon encountering a certain problem or opportunity. I seriously doubt there's anyone I truly know. There are people with whom I've been friends for years that still surprise me from time to time. I constantly have this fear in the back of my mind that no one is being completely honest with me about how they feel. Even close friends, when asked why they chose a particular option or path, won't tell me anything other than, "I don't know," which is total bullshit. Of course they know. They are either too lazy to go into it, or they fear my reaction to their truest feelings. How can we be expected to have healthy relationships amongst each other when we can't even be honest? I mean, other than a solid relationship with God, the best thing we can attain in this world is healthy relationships with our brothers. And when I say "brother," I don't mean like an actual brother. I mean it in the way black people use it, which is more meaningful, I think. (Did you like my comic relief there?) Regardless, healthy relationships don't just happen on their own. We have to work at them. We have to be willing to risk being hurt. We have to love. Love isn't just a feeling. It's a choice. As of this moment, I am choosing to love each of you to the best of my abilities. Now, I know that I will probably get emotionally hurt or upset. Not to be rude, but you guys aren't perfect, nor am I. If you choose to rely on me and expect me to be 100% honest with you, you're going to be disappointed. But that's what it takes. I'm willing to take that risk. You guys are my best friends here at Misawa, and I don't want it to be some kind of stupid, superficial kind of bond. I want us to be able to grow together and have meaningful experiences.

Okay, so now as I look back on this essay, I feel I should make a comment or two. I guess knowing someone is a little more than just being able to predict what they're going to do. I mean, if I knew beforehand everything somebody was going to do and say, then that would make our relationship rather boring. Variety is the spice of life, right? So that part may have been a little off, but I still stand by the whole "love is a choice" part.
Yeah, so I'm not sure why I decided to post that. I have plenty to write about. I had one of the best weekends I've had in a while. Friday night, a bunch of us from the HH played wally-ball, then hung out until way late. Saturday was Bible Study, which, I thought went pretty well. I mean, it never goes as well as I think it should. Like, when I'm planning it, I have this ideal sequence of events in my head, which somehow never ends up happening. Regardless, Saturday was probably the apex of my Bible Study leading abilities. After that, I went downtown with my friends Melissa and Ryan, who have been dating for about a week and a half. We just tossed back a few beers at various bars, then went back to Ryan's room. I didn't get home until 6 AM. I rarely have late nights like that, but they're fun every so often. I slept until noon on Sunday, which, I think, is the latest I've ever slept in my life. For some reason, it's just not in my nature to sleep late. Then I watched "The Spanish Prisoner" and "Shakespeare in Love." Both are excellent movies. TSP is just a good mystery, fun to watch, and intriguing to figure out. SIL is one of those movies that just makes me feel good. It makes me want to be in love. At Church last night, I finally saw James "Smurphy" Murphy, who I haven't seen in almost a year. It was great to see him again and hang out and catch up. After Church, I went to the HH, ate, and then went to karaoke with Abby, Jean-Marie, Jeni-Bomb, Smurphy, Biscuit, Jimmy, Laura, and Karen. So much fun! Then, last night, I had this really weird dream. I guess the planet had been taken over by aliens, and they brainwashed most of the people, or lobotomized them, or something. And I was with these other people that had somehow escaped, kind of like rebels. And we were living in these camps and trying to hide out. The general mood of everyone was really tense. I can't really remember any of the details, unfortunately.
Okay, I've really rambled on too long. I have some work to finish and several briefings to attend today. Luckily, this is only a three-day work week. I'm so looking forward to a long weekend of restoration and relaxation. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Thursday, November 20, 2003

Searching myself for the hurt that needs healing...
The emotional rollercoaster that is my week keeps right on going, and it's starting to make me nauseated. I went to Cross Point last night, and I really didn't want to be there. Every week I think about telling Mark that I just can't do it anymore. Between staying late at work all the time and trying to devote time to this Bible Study, I just don't have the time or the energy. But then, after we started playing, I felt a lot better. Even though I have no ability to relate to middle school kids, it still was nice to be able to help provide this music for them and aid in their worship.
So, since I was feeling so good, I decided I was going to be assertive in the whole love situation, but it turned out really bad. In fact, there was no confrontation at all, yet I somehow ended up backing myself into a corner, giving myself no options. I have made a vow not to initiate any kind of future contact. So now I feel rotten. Worse than before. I want to break my vow and try to mend the friendship, or at least get an explanation. But I probably won't. My only consolation was that later, Jimmy and Caleb and I went to Komaki's and had a really nice onsen, and then I paid 1000 yen to get my feet massaged, and it was great. Despite being so unstable right now, I slept pretty good last night.
So now I'm at work, and I'm waiting on another guy because until he gets me his report, I can't do my report. This is the shit that keeps me here late all the time! Oh, yeah, I think I'm going to start cussing. I don't normally, unless it's for the greater humour of the situation. And it's not like I'm going to make every other word the f-word. I'm just going to use it for emphasis in certain situations. And there are a few words that are off limits that I just don't like the sound of, even though some people don't really think of them as bad words (i.e. sucks, tits, piss, and possibly a few others). And it's not like I'm going to use them around children or when my witness could be affected. Only around the closest of friends. I think my favorite phrase is, "What the hell?"
Okay, I now have a report in my hot little hand, so it's back to work. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

So, I went out to lunch with Don today, and pretty much laid everything out there. We've gone out to lunch before, and we always have good discussions, but I usually hold back. And he's expressed his frustration with me about how I'm hard to know. When I asked him to go out to lunch, I kind of told myself that I was going to tell him pretty much everything. And I did. Don's so compassionate. After our talk at lunch, and a second talk on the phone a few minutes ago, I feel as though I've been through a catharsis or something. It was very healing. He helped me understand a lot about the pain that I'm going through, and that God may be allowing all this to happen for a reason. It's all a big journey. I'm sure I've heard it all before, but somehow, it just seemed to make so much sense today. And I know I've still got a lot to go through, but it's nice to know that there are people out there who understand and sympathize. That's all I have to say about that, I guess.
I've been listening to Fiona Apple all day. She's so sullen and dark. Her songs are all about twisted love and desperation. Piano driven and bluesy.
I called my Mom today. It's her birthday. She and Dad and Chris were getting ready to go out to eat. I love doing stuff like that with the fam. Talking with my Mom is such a trip. I talk for about 4 minutes about what's going on here, and then she shares all the family and local news for about 45 minutes. And I can always hear Rudy let out a bark or two. Funny stuff.
I was originally supposed to go out to dinner with Mikey tonight, but I called him and left a message and still haven't heard anything, so Abby and Ben and I are going to go instead. At first, Ben said he wouldn't go because he wanted to save money, but I convinced him. I can talk that boy into anything.
Okay, I really need to hop in the shower. Ben and Abs are supposed to be here any minute, and I'm still in uniform. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Monday, November 17, 2003

So, you know when I said the love thing has taken a turn, but I wasn't sure if it was good or bad? Well, it's bad. Worse than bad. I thought things were going to kind of straighten out, but now it looks as though that's not going to happen. Communication has siezed. I'm feeling empty, insecure, and rotten. And I don't really know why. I have not done anything wrong. Feelings were expressed, and agreements were made, but apparantly the whole freak-outed-ness thing has happened in the worst way. But you know what? I'm going to do my best to pick up, carry on, and still choose the action of love and practicing purposeful acts of love. I refuse to be bitter. Maybe depressed, but never bitter. I have no one to blame but myself. I'm going to do my best to move on.
I feel my morals slipping. Laziness. Regret. I've been looking for a scapegoat. I doubt one exists.
So yesterday, a bunch of people from the Hospitality House went to the Salmon Festival in Shimoda. It was really fun and quite interesting. Basically, you get into this knee deep water and try to catch a salmon with your bare hands. Unfortunately, I was a little slow, and didn't get a fish; however, everyone else did, so we dined on grilled salmon, broiled salmon, salmon cakes, etc. last night after church. Definitely one of the best meals I've had in a while.
I appreciate Abby more and more each day. I was watching her as she led worship last night at Chapel, and I just couldn't help but smile. She's like an angel up there. So in tune with God. So at home in worship. I crave being around her, just because I feel the Lord's presence.
Okay, this has been a really multiple personality-ish entry, so I'm just going to close. I have a little more work to finish before the end of the day anyway. Brad and I are supposed to get food and watch Fantasia 2000 tonight. Tomorrow is lunch with Don. The rest of the week is kind of fuzzy. Luckily, next week is only a three-day work week due to the Thanksgiving holiday. I'm sure I'll write more about that in my next entry. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Monday, November 10, 2003

I'm working today. Everyone else is off, but I'm working. But you know what? I'm not really too bitter about it. I mean, I didn't appreciate having to get up early this morning, but it's not like I had any big plans today or anything. I still have tomorrow off for Veteran's Day.
Last night, after Church, several of us went to Shimoda to see "The Matrix: Revolutions." Two words: don't bother. In my humble opinion, they should have left well enough alone with the first one. They tried to make this whole saga, and answer all these questions, but all they did, really, was deny there were any questions to answer. Also, if they make such a big deal about this being "the end," then there should be no hints at yet another sequel. And, above all, it just wasn't very entertaining. Enough of my criticizing.
As for the whole love situation, I'm really kind of clueless. There has been no interaction whatsoever in a week. I think there is some freak-outed-ness going on. I don't know what to do. I guess I'm just going to be patient.
Bible Study on Saturday went okay, I guess. I'm still really not comfortable with the whole thing. I keep telling myself that I'm going to give it just one more week, but obviously, I haven't followed through.
Since I'm not really even supposed to be here today, I think I'm going to skip out a little early and hit the gym. Brad and I are supposed to go onsen tonight, so that should be nice and relaxing. Plus, I have some major house cleaning to do because I guess I inadvertently invited a bunch of people to my house to watch movies tomorrow. That's okay, though. Maybe it will do me some good.
Okay, I'm going to finish up some work and take off. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Monday, November 03, 2003

Okay, so the whole love issue has kind of taken a turn, but I'm still not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. We've kind of opened up to each other, and I'm very optimistic; however, something is telling me I shouldn't be. I mean, I know it's a good thing to be optimistic, but I just know I'm going to get so emotional over everything, and end up going through a lot of pain. I really don't like that aspect of my personality. I don't want to smother anyone. Oh, well. The same thing happened in Vegas. You think I'd be able to handle stuff like this by now. You think I'd be able to learn from past experiences. You think I'd be able to control my emotions a little better. Love does strange things to people.
So, I'm off work today. Yay! I test for Tech tomorrow, so today is kind of a prep day. To be honest, I have no intentions of studying at all. In fact, I've put about as many hours into studying for Tech as I did for Staff, which is zero. I don't expect to make it or anything. Maybe if the whole cross-train thing goes through, then I'll put a little more of an effort forth next year.
Oh! Last Wednesday, several friends and I went to go see "Kill Bill," which I thought was great. Very bloody, but still visually stunning. I think I'm going to see it again sometime this week. I really appreciate Quentin Tarantino.
Okay, I guess I'm going to get up off my couch (on which I've been sleeping for the past month), and do some yoga, then hit the gym, then slack off for the rest of the day.

Thursday, October 30, 2003

All of our exercises are over! We had the big inspection last week, and now it's over. A big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. So now, I'm back to being bored at work.
The whole love situation is a little better. I kind of distanced myself from the whole thing for a while, and I think I'm getting back to my right mind again.
So, I've been leading the men's small group Bible study on Saturday nights. So far, I've done two sessions, and honestly, I really don't think it's working too well. There are all these really smart, intellectual guys in there, and I guess I was thinking that I could teach them something, but they get into these big discussions, and I end up feeling like a big idiot. I'm gonna give it two more weeks, and if it doesn't improve, then I'm going to tell Don I have to drop it. I'm just not cut out for this type of thing. I have neither the education nor the spiritual fortitude for such an undertaking.
Okay, I'm going to get back to work. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Friday, October 03, 2003

So we're in the middle of a big exercise right now. So far, it's been really easy, though. We got recalled on Wednesday, went through our bags, and then went home for the rest of the day. We came in Thursday, and then went home for the rest of the day. Today, however, we came in this morning, and found out we'll be going through the processing line. That's really no big deal, either. The part that's going to stink is when we move into the second phase and we have to wear around all our chem gear and stuff. It will all be over by Tuesday, though.
There's a lot more I'd like to write about the whole love situation. Maybe later. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Monday, September 29, 2003

I had a relatively uneventful weekend. I went to the Hospitality House on Friday night, which was pretty fun, I guess. We watched several episodes of The Simpsons, which is never a bad thing. Saturday, I went to lunch, then shopping with Abby, which is never a bad thing, either. Saturday night, I just laid on my couch and watched movies. Sunday, I went shopping by myself and bought a snowboard. Sunday night was Church. Even though I didn't really do too much, it seemed to totally fly by. We start exercising this week, and I just don't even care anymore. Not that I ever really did. I just want to get the whole thing over with. I'm going to put forth minimal effort and endure whatever I have to endure.
I've never had job stress like I do now. It stinks.
I'm going out to dinner with Paul and Trish tonight, which is cool. But, for some reason, I'm not as excited about it as I should be. Paul and Trish are way cool and I always have a good time hanging out with them. I have been spending a lot of time by myself at home lately, and I think it's kind of becoming addictive. I used to crave being around people and going out to eat with friends and having gatherings at my house. Now I just want to sit at home and watch movies and lay around. It's not a physical laziness, but more of a social laziness, if there is such a thing. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but right now, I just want to go home. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Thursday, September 25, 2003

Do I put too high an expectation on my friends? I constantly feel let down. Are most people just really inconsiderate? Maybe I'm just making a big deal about stupid things.
I've been playing piano for the Junior High Crosspoint group at the Chapel on Wednesday nights. I really don't feel as if I'm contributing anything, though. Plus, Mark Kellond, the leader guy, wants us to kind of get involved with the kids. I really have no clue how to relate to junior high kids. I think I'm going to drop this whole obligation. This may be the wrong course of action, though. I kind of feel like I just need more time to myself to relax at home alone, but maybe that's the last thing I need. Maybe I just need to hang out with people from the Hospitality House more often. I rarely go on Saturday nights, and that's the Bible Study that I'm getting ready to take over. Confused. Lonely. Easily emotionally disturbed. I was on my way to work this morning listening to this Mary Chapin-Carpenter song about a wife who leads this picture-perfect life with a husband and three children and suddenly she leaves him because she doesn't love him anymore. I've always liked the song, but for some reason this morning I got all upset when I listened to it. I was trying to sing along but I got all choked up and stuff. Some songs occassionally do that to me, but not as bad as it was today. I once read that men's testosterone levels tend to be a lot higher around October. I wonder if it's some kind of hormone thing. Ugh! Now I sound like a chick. I'm gonna go now. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

Okay, so here's the dealio: I think I've fallen in love with the wrong person. That's really all I can say. I'm in this private little hell and I'm pretty sure this is what's causing the whole depression. The same thing happened when I lived in Vegas, and I'm not really even sure how to handle it. It's making me crazy.
I'm really working on trying to openly love my friends. I want to know them, and I want them to know me.
I don't know what to do about anything. I think I'm just in some kind of rut, and I don't know what to blame it on. Maybe there's really nothing at fault except me and my human nature. Frustration, depression, cluelessness. Something has got to give.
Okay, I'm going to clean my house now. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Deeper...deeper...deeper still. It's happening and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I stayed at work until 8:00 last night. I guess the work part wasn't too bad, but there was just a lot of stuff I wanted to get done that I had to put off. I was a little frazzled when I left. Luckily, my friends Jimmy and Caleb went to the onsen with me and it was very relaxing.
I'm supposed to start leading the men's small group Bible study starting on the 4th of October. I think we're in the middle of an exercise then, so it may have to get pushed back a week. I think I'm going to do a study on "The Divine Conspiracy" by Dallas Willard. I really don't feel fit do do any kind of Bible study right now, but I've already told Don I'd do it, and I don't want to be a wuss and back out now.
Okay, I have lots to do today, so I'm going to get busy. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Friday, September 19, 2003

Today's word of the day at was:
malaise \muh-LAYZ; -LEZ\, noun:
1. A vague feeling of discomfort in the body, as at the onset of illness.
2. A general feeling of depression or unease.
How appropriate. I have this weird feeling that something bad is about to happen. Not something tragic, like the death of a friend or family member or anything. Just some kind of happening that will inevitably push me deeper down into this funk I'm in. I don't think it's the exercise, because I kind of know what to expect from that. I probably won't know what it is until it's over. I feel unproductive at work. I feel lazy at home. The worst is that my relationship with God seems almost nonexistent. Also, I miss my friend Ben. We were so close before I got deployed. Now I'm back, and he leaves in February, but we've hardly hung out at all. I'm looking forward to the winter. There's something about the snow and the cold that makes people want to be together and get warm. I want to spend all winter either snowboarding or cooking food for people at my house laying around under blankets watching movies. I usually try to end on a positive note, so I guess the anticipation of winter is as positive as I'm going to get right now. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Thursday, September 18, 2003

I'm so down, all of the sudden. Like, seriously, down. I've even considered going to see a Chaplain or something. I didn't realize it until this morning, but I think it's been building up for a while. What's made it obvious to me, I guess, was a few recent events coupled with some realizations of some things I shouldn't have done. The events are things over which I have no control, so I really shouldn't be upset about them. I think I feel betrayed or let down, which is stupid. I should know by now that I can't always rely on people to do what is right. The things I shouldn't have done are not really decisions I made regarding certain choices. They are things I am feeling and I'm having some major difficulty controlling my emotions, for some reason. Why am I so drawn to the wrong people? Why do we desire what we know we can't have?
So, in other news, the SCUBA class is going really well. I'm having a lot of fun, but it's leaving me totally exhausted. We have a few more exercises in the pool tonight, our final exam tomorrow night, then open water dives on Saturday and Sunday. Then, I'll be certified for life! Also, on Saturday night is the Air Force Ball. I normally avoid stupid things like this, but this year, my friend Melissa and I were talking about it, and decided to go together as friends. Then our friend Ann asked if she could tag along. Despite having to put up with the whole formal military crap part of the night, I think it will be lots of fun, considering who my dates will be. Plus, after the dinner/program, we can change into civilian clothes for the dance. Good times!
Okay, I'm totally writing this at work, so I'm gonna get outta here. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

Yay! I'm finally online! I'm working on getting all the wireless stuff hooked up, but at least I have access in my house.
So, overall, things are going pretty well back here. We have some big exercises coming up, but I'm not too worried about them. I'm getting ready to start a SCUBA diving certification class. I'm really looking forward to it. My friend Jay will be in there with me, and my friends Mikey and Paul are already certified, so I hope to get to see all kinds of cool Japanese marine life. Also, before long, it will be snowing, and I'm actually going to get to spend a winter here. There will be much snowboarding and onsening all winter long.
Anyway, I'm just home for lunch right now, so I have to get back to work. I hope all is well with everyone wherever you may be. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Thursday, August 07, 2003

Sorry I haven't written in forever. I'm back in Misawa, and I'm working on getting DSL at my house. Sometimes it's a pain in the arse living in Japan. Overall, stuff is good here, except the weather is a little chilly. I'm officially back at work and super busy. I've been trying to relax as much as possible, but every time I'm chilling out at my house, the social butterfly in me comes out and I search out friends with whom to hang. Regardless, it's good to be home. I'll write more when everything is set up at my pad. No worries. God Bless.

Saturday, July 19, 2003

Hello from Vegas! Yeah, all I can say is it's good to be out of the desert! I spent two weeks at home chillin' with the folks, and now I'm hangin' out with my buddy Jim in Vegas. I just wanted to check in real quick, so this is going to be way short. I hope everyone is doing well. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Friday, June 27, 2003

Excerpt from "Your God Is Too Small" by J.B. Phillips:

It is, of course, a very big step intellectually (and emotionally and morally as well, it will be found) to accept this famous figure of history as the designed focusing of God in human life. It is not made any easier by the clinging mass of sentimentality, superstitious reverence, and traditional associations which surround Him. It is emphatically not an easy matter for the honest modern mind to pierce the accretions and irrelevancies and see the Person, the Character--particularly as the records, though they have been examined far more closely than any other historic documents, are undeniably meagre. Further, many people who have a vague childish affection for a half-remembered Jesus, have never used their adult critical faculties on the matter at all. They hardly seem to see the paramount importance of His claim to be God. Yet, if, for one moment, we imagine the claim to be true, the mind almost reels at its significance. It can only mean that here is Truth, here is the Character of God, the true Design for life, the authentic Yardstick of values, the reliable confirming or correcting of all gropings and inklings about Beauty, Truth, and Goodness, about this world and the next. Life can never be wholly dark or wholly futile if once the key to its meaning is on our hands.

And that is just one paragraph. The whole book is amazing. I read parts of it and my mind just tumbles over itself trying to take it all in.

So the news just keeps getting better and better. We found out today that instead of leaving on the 2nd of July, we're now leaving on the 1st. It doesn't change any of my other travel plans. I'll just stay in Baltimore an extra day before heading home on the 4th. The best part is just that we're leaving this place a little earlier. Woo-hoo!!!

So, I probably won't be able to sleep very well tonight. Lately, I've been so excited about going home, that my thoughts go crazy each night while I'm laying in bed, causing a slight case of insomnia. So, yeah, I'm gonna get outta here and try to get some shut-eye. No worries. God Bless.

Friday, June 20, 2003

I'm reading this book called "Your God Is Too Small" by J.B. Phillips. The first half is about how people have different ideas of what God is, and how these conceptions of God limit their relationships with Him. Then, the second half is about reversing these notions to help us develop a realization of what God really is. Highly recommended.

Things are kind of starting to wrap up here at Al Udeid. I've been shipping back to Japan boxes of stuff I've accumulated over the past 7 months. I've booked my plane tickets for my leave en route. My room is clean. Only 13 more days left, and I'm just going to ride out the time.

I'm amazes me how people can have such horrible attitudes. True, we've been in the desert for almost 7 months, but it could be so much worse. We don't have to wear all our gear around, or even carry it. We have good food to eat. And best of all, we have plane tickets to leave on July 2nd. I know I keep bringing that up, but, uh, yeah, I'm excited.

Okay, it's really late, and even though I have tomorrow off, my eyelids are getting kind of heavy. No worries. God Bless.

Saturday, June 14, 2003

Yesterday was my parent's 34th anniversary. I feel so blessed. I think one of the biggest factors in determining who I am today is the fact my parents are still married. I called them this morning, and they were going up to the mountains this weekend to take a train ride through the hills and then stay overnight at a bed and breakfast. How cool is that? Yeah, I love my parents. I thank God for them.

No worries. God Bless.

Thursday, June 12, 2003

I've been way sick the past couple days. Like, nasty projectile vomiting kinda sick. I was on quarters Tuesday and Wednesday, but today I was back at work, a little queasy and a little weak, but feeling much better. Due to some kind of support group down day, I'm off tomorrow, and again on Sunday. Days off are great and all, but it starts to get old when there's nothing really to do. It's so hot, I end up sitting in my tent all day reading and playing my stupid game boy.

I'm anxious to get back to Misawa for several reasons. Reason number one is of the spiritual nature. My walk has been kind of a roller coaster lately. It will be nice to get back into the swing of things with the Chapel and the Hospitality House. It should smooth things out in a big way. Reason number two is my friends. It will be almost eight months since I've seen them by the time I get back. So many people have PCS'd, which means there are lots of new people I'm going to have to get to know. I'm going to get off the plane and hug and hug and hug. Other reasons, in no particular order, are getting into a normal routine at work, having dinner guests and movie nights, ONSENS(!), camping and road trips, and hitting the beach.

I've decided to try and crosstrain into a new career field. I think I've pretty much exhausted myself in the "utilities" (aka plumbing) area and I'm on the lookout for something new. I don't have retainability to get another assignment, so I'm going to try and use this as an ultimatum for the Air Force to let me do something I really want to do. I'm not really sure what, but I have it narrowed down to a moderately short list which includes signals intelligence, graphic design, paralegal, computer programming, and a few things in the medical group. I can't apply until July, and I'm sure I'm going to get the runaround, but this is something I realize I'm going to have to work pretty hard for. I'll be sure and keep everyone posted.

Okay, I have several e-mails to write, so I'm gonna get outtee. No worries. God Bless.

Saturday, June 07, 2003

Now I'm going to take leave en route again. I was going to go back to Misawa first in order to go on the Mt. Fuji retreat, but now I'm hearing that leave will only be granted for special circumstances upon our return. Therefore, I'm going to have to opt out of the Fuji retreat. Sure, I'm disappointed about missing Fuji, but if I don't take leave en route, then I may not get any leave at all.

Lately, I've been feeling kind of unfocused. I can't really explain it. I can barely read a chapter of a book without my mind wandering. I can't even concentrate when I'm reading scripture. I hope it's just a phase. Maybe it's just because I'm getting excited about going home in only 25 days.

I really need to control my spending. That's all I have to say about that.

I really need to control my lust. That's all I have to say about that.

I'm going to head to bed. It's not even that late, but I'm way tired. I have tomorrow off, but I'm not going downtown or anything. Just goofing off all day. I hope to get some reading done. I'm currently reading "The Celebration of Discipline" (still) and "The Rules of Attraction." Okay, I'm outtee. No worries. God Bless.

Saturday, May 31, 2003

We have a departure date of July 2nd, and I'm pretty excited about it. At first, I was going to take leave en route in the States before I went back to Misawa. Now, however, I've changed my mind.

Here are the pros for taking leave en route:
1) Get to see friends/family sooner.
2) Home by the 4th of July.
3) Surprise family.
4) Save lots of $$$.

Here are the pros for going back to Misawa first:
1) Won't have to carry my chem gear home with me.
2) Don't have to give up 2 free weeks off work.
3) Brother and friends will be gone on sailing trip for most of July.
4) Can be sure my Mom will get time off work while I'm home.
5) Will be able to go to the Mt. Fuji retreat.

So, yeah, the kicker is getting to go to Fuji. I'm way excited. I told my Mom today that she was just going to have to wait an extra month for me to come home. She was a little disappointed, but she was cool about it. She's just glad I'll be out of the desert. And I am, too!

I'm going downtown tomorrow with Melissa, Ann, Mikey T., Buddy Ling, and Mike White. We're just going to get a room at the Ritz and lay by the pool all day long. It should be quite relaxing.

Okay, I'm gonna go to bed now. No worries. God Bless.

Thursday, May 29, 2003

I think I'm shallow. I don't want to be shallow. At times, I think I have profound, intellectual thoughts, but then I read something C.S. Lewis or Phillip E. Johnson or Bret Easton Ellis wrote, and wonder if my mind will ever be able to conceive such notions. I hear music from Mozart or Radiohead (I know that's a broad spectrum), marveling at how God has chosen these people to deliver his voice, and hope I will one day compose such beautiful harmonies. Is this something with which I'm born? There's some things you can be taught (i.e. grammar, math, etc.), but then there's the other stuff. Is this something that will come with time and experience? Will I just have to settle for being average? How do I become un-shallow? I've tried pretending. I talk to people about the depth of song lyrics or films or books, but a lot of it is just regurgitated critiques. I let the media decide what I like. Is it something that will enter my brain when all the other useless stuff goes away? Either way, I need to get all the sin crap out of my mind, starting with my materialism and lust. Those are my biggest vices, and they're both totally useless. They cause me to spend money on stupid things and fill my mind with stupid thoughts, leaving me hollow, but still wanting more. Even as I write, I have windows open for and Will I never learn? I guess it's all about disciplining myself. Don Weber gave me a book called "The Celebration of Discipline," but I haven't the discipline to read it. Kind of a catch-22, huh? No worries. God Bless.

Saturday, May 24, 2003

Mike Tenhaaf and I are both off tomorrow, so, as is the tradition for the past five months, tonight is "Fun Night." That's where we stay up late and maybe get pizza (if the base Pizza Hut isn't closed) and watch a movie or an episode or two of "The Simpsons" and write e-mails and do some online shopping and whatever else we feel like. There were formerly two other participants in Fun Night, namely Adam Watson and Jonathan Reynolds. However, they have both been chosen to make an early return to Misawa. But I'm not bitter. I'm happy for them. But, I digress.

Anyway, tonight, Mikey and I watched an old Ewan McGregor movie called "Shallow Grave." It's a pretty good movie about three roommates who get a fourth roommate. The fourth guy dies of an overdose in his room leaving behind a suitcase full of money. Needless to say, greed and murder all come into play. What I didn't like about the movie is that you kind of root for these people who are stealing and killing. "Ocean's 11" was the same way. The protagonists were a bunch of thieves. I guess that's why I like "Fargo" so much. It's got everything: drama, love, intrigue, dark humour, good versus evil, and a great moral at the end.

So here's a little more about the whole vegetarian decision: I don't think eating meat is bad. This is just something I need to do to help find balance in my life. I can answer any questions for any question-havers.

Here's some things I like about my friend Mike: 1) the Dutch way he spells his name (Michiel Tenhaaf); 2) he makes me laugh, especially when he says "I'll allow it" in a Judge-Mills-Lane-mocking way; 3) he likes the movies I pick out; 4) we're both Mama's boys; 5) I've got him addicted to online shopping, and he has pretty good fashion sense, too. I could write more, but it's getting pretty late.

No worries. God Bless.

Monday, May 19, 2003

So I got to go downtown yesterday, and it was a pretty good time. We went shopping, got a hotel room, and relaxed by the pool. Hopefully, next time I drive through Doha, I'll be familiar enough with the city so I don't get too lost.

I've made kind of a big decision. I'm becoming a vegetarian. Actually, I've been a vegetarian for about 8 days now, and it's going pretty well. It's something I've been thinking about for a while now, and after doing some research, I dropped meat from my diet. I haven't gone totally hard-core, yet. I'm allowing myself to eat seafood still. I may give that up eventually. Several things have contributed to this decision. There are many benefits to a vegetarian diet, both in personal health and in the environment. If it's something you've ever thought about, I encourage you to do some research of your own. There are tons of websites explaining the best ways to go about excluding meat from your diet, the best foods to eat for a balanced diet, and recipes, too. Actually, I haven't gotten to try any recipies yet, but the chow hall usually serves a vegetarian entre that's quite tasty!

We had a big squadron meeting today regarding our departure. Apparantly, our replacements are set to be here around 8 July, hopefully putting us on a plane within a week of their arrival. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I'll be taking leave in the States for a couple weeks, so I may not get back to Japan until the beginning of August. That will be nearly 8 months I've spent away from my home. Craziness! I so miss everyone back there. I can't wait to see them all so we can go camping and to the beach and rolling down hills.

Okay, so I'm gonna shoot out a few e-mails, head back to my tent, do some reading (I'm currently reading "High Fidelity" by Nick Hornby), and hit the sack. Take care, everyone. No worries. God Bless.

Saturday, May 17, 2003

So, uh, yeah...I'm over here in Qatar. Today is day # 161. We don't really know when we'll be getting out of here, but I'm not too upset. I'm just kind of going with the flow. I've been keeping up with my friend Jim via his blog, so I decided to start one of my own. I'll do my best to keep it updated, but please be patient if I slack off every so often. Thanks for reading. No worries. God Bless.