Thursday, January 22, 2004

I've watched "The Royal Tenenbaums" three times in the past week, and cried every time. I love how Ben Stiller realizes what a dick he's been and finally forgives his father. And Anjelica Houston's character kind of reminds me of my own mother, somehow.
In other news, I'm really hoping for some good conversation this weekend. The numbness hasn't disappeared or anything, but I think some serious social activity with regained friends could help out a lot. I'd like to snowboard, too, but if my ankle is still sore, then I'll have to skip again.
I watched part of the "State of the Union" address yesterday, and then got online and read the whole thing. I'm so frustrated with that man. What's worse is that he does all his deeds in the name of Christ. Since when is Christ all about greed and murder? Craziness.
Okay, well, I'm gonna get back to work. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

In the distance, a glimmer of light. Hope. Contact has been made.

Saturday, January 17, 2004

I find myself becoming numb. My emotions are disappearing. I don't get excited or upset or happy or depressed. The only thing I'm feeling is a general sense of apathy. Ben and Abby are leaving soon, and it's not like I don't want them to stay, but I'm having a hard time working up feelings of grief. I'm going to have to make a major decision pretty soon about whether or not to stay in the Air Force, but thinking about it is not a priority. My cousin is going through a major drug problem, but praying for him isn't at the top of my list of things to do. I hate all this middle-of-the-road bullshit. I'd rather be ice cold than luke warm.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

So alone.
I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen.
This desperation is killing me.

Monday, January 12, 2004

Yeah, so I'm really sick. Actually, I was sick. I'm feeling a little better now. I started hurling yesterday afternoon, so I went to the doc this morning, and they sent me home for a day. I just slept all afternoon, then decided to watch a movie. "Wonder Boys." Good flick. I feel like I can identify with Michael Douglas's character. He has all these problems and situations that seem to keep building up throughout the film, and he doesn't really deal with any of them directly. In fact, it kinda seems like he just ignores them and hopes they'll go away. Like he can't really accept responsibility for the decisions he makes. I'm the same way. I have issues and problems and responsibilities, and I never want to deal with them. It probably comes from being so spoiled when I was younger. I've never really had to make a lot of decisions on my own. It was just expected that I go to college as soon as I finish high school. It was just expected that I be a music major. It seems everything I've done, I've done just because people expect me to. I'm not even sure I know what I want to do or should do. One day, I'm really going to back myself into a corner, and there's not going to be anyone around to help me out, and then I'll really be fucked.
So, anyway, I think I'm going to watch another movie. "The Royal Tannenbaums," maybe. Or possibly "Dr. Strangelove." I haven't decided yet. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

The holidays are over. I'm back at work. It's hectic, but I'm not really stressing or anything. Let's flashback to Christmas and New Years, shall we?, for Christmas, I basically hung out at the Hospitality House. It was really a good time. I can't really explain why. I mean, it's not like we were up all night partying. It's just nice to be mellow and comfortable with my friends. And the HH is such a haven. New Years was pretty much the same way. I had 11 days off of work, and I was either hanging out at the HH, snowboarding, or laying on my couch watching movies. Not very eventful, but much appreciated.
I think the love feelings are slowly fading away. It's strange, though. I'm glad, but I kind of almost miss the pain, in a way. I don't think it's completely over by any means, and I'm sure something will set it off again. But at least I'm making progress, I think. Unless I do something stupid.
I completed my deployment paperwork this morning, which means I'm for sure on the list to go to the desert (again) in March. I'm really not sure how I feel about it. I like going to the desert, and the money is always nice, but I'm supposed to be leaving Misawa in July, and I was looking forward to spending the last few months in Japan with my friends. I can't really stress about it, though. God must be sending me there for some reason, so I'll just go along with it.
Anyway, I'm going to get back to work. Hopefully, I'll get back to writing steadily, now that things are back to normal (for a while, at least). Take care. No worries. God Bless.