Wednesday, December 24, 2003

So, it's Christmas Eve. I've really been in the Christmas spirit up until this week. Work has been killing me. I hate stressing over anything as stupid as work, and this week it's been one emergency after another. But I only have a few more hours to endure, and then I'll be off for 11 days! I'm really looking forward to just being mellow and hanging out with friends and snowboarding and stuff. Anyway, I don't really have much to report. I just wanted to check in since it's been a while since I last wrote. I hope everyone has a great Christmas. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

I watched another movie last night called "Auto Focus" about Bob Crane, the guy who played Hogan on the old television show "Hogan's Heroes." Greg Kinnear played Crane, and he was pretty good. The movie got a little slow toward the end, but it was a good study into how easy it can be for people to sink down into a world of lust and deceit. Plus, with movies based upon someone's life, you kind of have to take it all with a grain of salt. It's probably 90% Hollywood and 10% fact. Regardless, it was entertaining. Also, I forgot to mention that on Sunday, I also watched Ellen Degeneres's new DVD of her stand-up act. Very funny and highly recommended. Good commentaries on modern life, and no harsh language at all.
Anyway, that's all I have on which to comment for now. I may write more later today. I may not write for a few days. Who knows? Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Monday, December 15, 2003

Despite the fact I've been on stand-by and had lots of ridiculous calls, I managed to have a pretty good weekend. I went to Abby's Christmas party on Saturday night and won an X-Box and a big bottle of saki. After that, we went to the HH and I had a really good talk with Don. He gave me some advice, good advice, but I'm kind of an idiot, and I'm not so sure I'm going to follow it. I feel like I need to reach out somehow, and if I don't, I'll never know what could've been. And afterward, after I get burned, I'm going to feel hurt and ashamed and full of regret. I just don't see how someone could just drop a friend, and act like they were never friends in the first place. I'm sick of dwelling on this.
In other news, I rented a few movies yesterday, one of which was this Pedro Almodovar movie called "Talk to Her," and it was great. It's about this friendship that develops between two guys who meet in a hospital while caring for women in comas. Eerie and disturbing, but challenging and passionate at the same time. I'm developing more and more of an appreciation for Hispanic film makers.
Anyway, I'm going to get back to work. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

So the week has kind of gone downhill since Tuesday. Nothing really horrible, but just a bunch of small stuff that's piled up. There's really nothing major enough to go into, though. My biggest issue right now is that I've kind of realized how quickly I fall in love. Not true love, obviously, but just becoming infatuated with people. And I think one of the causes is trying to obtain what I can't have. Just because someone is unavailable makes me try even harder. And when nothing happens, it just ends up making me crash harder. So anyway, if that's the problem, I just need to figure out how to fix it, which may not even be possible. I just feel like I'm putting myself through a lot of needless torture. I want it to end.
I've been listening to a lot of Radiohead and PJ Harvey lately. I don't know if it has more to do with the weather, or my mood. The music is so dark, but when I listen to one of their albums in its entirety, I always feel so much better. It's like a journey.
I picked up the stand-by pager this morning, so all weekend, I'm going to have this hanging over my head. There's really nothing I like less than being on stand-by. Oh, well. It's only for a week, and then I'll have nothing else looming overhead, and I can have a relaxing Christmas and New Years. But, despite the whole stand-by thing, I'm looking forward to an enjoyable weekend. I'm going to Abby's Christmas Party on Saturday night, which should be a blast.
Okay, I guess that's all I'm going to talk about. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Good week, so far. I had a great run yesterday morning, and another one today. Hung out with Ben last night. Going to dinner at Melissa's tomorrow night. I start stand-by on Thursday, which I'm really not looking forward to. Paul and Trish come back Friday, and were wanting to go snowboarding on Saturday, but I guess I'll just have to sit this one out. Bummer. Anyway, I guess I'm in a pretty good mood. Christmas is coming. I haven't done any shopping yet. I like making CDs for people. Maybe that would be a good Christmas gift. I think this has been the most random-thought-led entry I've made. I'm going to get back to work now. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Saturday, December 06, 2003

I'm kinda down this weekend. I'm feeling socially awkward for some reason. There just seems to be some kind of barrier between me and everyone else. It's keeping me from connecting with anyone. I mean, I'm talking to people and stuff, but the conversations just aren't going where they should or going as deep as they should. Not that I'm expecting some big thing to happen every time I talk to someone, but the past couple days have been like I'm talking to foreigners or something. I went and saw "Kill Bill" again last night. I met Caleb there, and he really enjoyed it. My friend Ryan was supposed to go with me, and he ended up bailing on me at the last minute, which kind of upset me. He talks about wanting to hang out, so I get all excited, but he never follows through. It's so frustrating.
I went to eat earlier tonight with some guys from work, and afterward, I decided to just rent some movies and go home. But unfortunately, the shoppette was closed, so I figured this was God's way of telling me not to skip Bible Study. I've mentioned times where I don't really feel like going to the House, but then I do, and I feel much better. Well, tonight, I didn't feel like going to the House, but I went, and I still don't feel much better. I don't know what my deal is. When I was eating dinner earlier tonight, there were four of us sitting at the table, and there was hardly any conversation at all. I like these guys, but I just couldn't think of anything to say. And then after Bible Study at the House, I was sitting around with everyone, and the same thing happened. It's not like I feel like I have to be talking the whole time, but I literally could not think of anything to say. Suffocating. It's like I know all these people so well, yet I'm feeling so alone. I'm feeling a lot of pain for Don right now. The next two weeks are going to be chaotic at work. I'm feeling a little anxiety about Christmas coming up. I've spent way too much money on myself lately. There's something that's lacking, but I have no clue what it is. I wish it were something a little more obvious, so I'd at least have a goal toward which to work. But, no, I'm just floating around, with no clue if I'm even going the right direction, if I'm helping anybody, if I should ask out Abby, if I should try to resolve conflicts with people who don't want to talk to me, if I should continue with this cross train, if I'm even going to be in the Air Force in 8 months.
Okay, I'm getting really tired. I guess I'm going to hit the sack. I'm still sleeping on my couch for some reason. I've been sleeping down here for about two months, and I really can't give a reason why. Craziness. Uh, yeah. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

I'm so sick of all this crap. I'm sick of being ignored. I'm sick of being stood up. I'm sick of having faith in my friends and being let down. I'm sick of all this self-loathing.
I don't think there's anything I can write that I haven't written before, so I'll go into something new, and try to quit dwelling on all this negative stuff. The weekend was decent. The best part was Friday night when we decorated the Christmas tree at the HH. In other news, Abby found out yesterday she made Senior Airman Below the Zone. She's so involved in everything, it's kind of a given. Regardless, I'm still proud of her. We were e-mailing back and forth yesterday, and then I got this weird e-mail from the other airman in her office asking me about friends dating and stuff. It makes me wonder if she and Abby were talking about it. So the airman girl pretty much told me that she thinks Abby and I should go out. I really don't think so, though. I mean, there was a time when I thought about it, but now I think the odds are just stacked against it. A) she's leaving in February. B) I like being friends with her, and I don't want to jeopardize it. C) she's much more conservative than I am. D) I don't think I could be totally honest with her. So, yeah, I guess that's about it.
Why do we feed on hurt and anger? I don't want to feel this way, but I just wallow in it.
I had a dream last night that I moved into a new house, and it was really nice. It was extra strange because I was getting ready to PCS, and my parents were visiting, and I was all worried about painting the walls in my old house before I left. Why would I move into a new house a week before I PCS? Craziness. Okay, I'm gonna get back to work. Take care. No worries. God Bless.