Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Self Portrait

Self Portrait
Originally uploaded by currtdawg.
I'm laying in bed right now and thinking of the thirty-two years I've spent on this Earth. I consider myself a pretty simple guy. (A simpleton?) It's not hard to make me happy, and I'm pretty good at knowing what makes me unhappy. Sometimes I wonder if being simple also makes me shallow. I think about life, the universe, and everything. I consider God's role in my life, and get excited about what will happen after I die. I work hard at my job and at building solid relationships with people. Regardless, I often feel like I have the depth of a kiddie pool. Feeling stupid is killing me.
Maybe it's because I sometimes feel like I'm not really in control. The last time I made any kind of major life decision was in July of 2000, the first time I opted to re-enlist in the Air Force. Everything else after that hasn't been taking action, but only reacting to what's already happening. All this activity is going on around me, and I'm doing my best to enjoy the scenery, but I'm not becoming a part of it. I'm simply being tossed about, as if in the ocean, to whatever scenario happens next, and trying to enjoy myself as best I can. Being disconnected is killing me.
Or maybe it's because of my relationships. I love my friends, but still feel so alone sometimes. It's like I'm on a train and I'm nervous if there will be anyone at the station to pick me up when I arrive. I don't want to have to worry about who I can depend on. Does this have something to do with the fact I'm still single? I hate to dwell on this, but will it ever happen? Am I ever meant to find my other half? Being lonely is killing me.

Life is killing me. Killing us all. From the moment we're born. This is our one chance. Nothing about it is fair. Some have many, many years. Others, only minutes. Apparently, I've been given at least thirty-two years. I think about all the mistakes I've made, and how stupid I've been. But I also believe that all those horrible choices I've made have brought me to where I am--

--and where I am isn't so bad after all. I live in America. I have parents who would do anything for me. I have the funnest friends ever. I have a solid income, a roof over my head, and food in my stomach. I have gadgets and clothes and souvenirs and possessions in my room that, if sold, could feed thousands of starving children. I have my health. I have a chocolate bar in my kitchen that I've been thinking about all morning. I have the love of God.

Life is for living.


Jess said...

It is important to remember that God truly loves you. He made you for a purpose; and he doesn't make mistakes. It is hard to be lonely. I know what you mean about that. Sometimes it weighs me down like the world on the shoulders of Atlas. (Hmm, greek myth reference. I must be tired) If you ever want to go into the deep end of the pool to talk, give me a call. Ryan has my number.

Jean-Marie said...

It is amazing that we can be surrounded by people throughout our day and still feel like a tumbleweed blowing through a ghost town. I do believe we all feel that to a degree in spite of our circumstances. That you strive to ponder such thoughts proves you are not a simpleton.

Mike said...

That is a GREAT picture, man...

JeniBomb said...

It's be awhile since I visited and I clicked on your site and found your self portrait. It was a good fit for some reason to see it there. It reminded me of the genuine spirit that I see God blessed you with. You do great with words (one of the top speed Scrabblers of time)and it is impressive of everything you write down so beautifully (hope that doesn't sound to cheesey).