So, I WAS having a great birthday weekend, all up until yesterday morning when I woke up and went to the bathroom. And just so you can't say I didn't warn you, this post is about to get kinda nasty, so continue reading at your own risk. Anyway, so there I was in the bathroom, and I started peeing, and it came out all red. Before I had a chance to freak out, I about fell over from the pain. And then I thought, "Dang! It's been at least a month since I met that Romanian whore!" (Just kidding, Mom.)
I crawled to my phone and called the hospital. Surprisingly, they were able to fit me in yesterday afternoon. They took a urine sample, and then made me suffer for two hours before telling me it's just a urinary tract infection. They're uncommon in guys, but not unheard of. I got some antibiotics, and I already feel much better.
So, that's that. No need to bring this up in the future, especially in the presence of any potential significant others. Thanks.