You know, I feel like I just can't deal with this pain much longer. Now I've got two people ignoring me. I don't know what conversations are going on, but I really feel betrayed. We were both at a party earlier tonight, and eye contact was made, albeit briefly, and that was it. I felt like such a loser until Melissa showed up. She says just to let it go, and I'd really like to, but it's just one of those stupid things that I keep holding on to. I'm debating on just walking up to them both, shaking them, and asking what the fucking deal is. I just want to save the friendship. I mean, aren't I at least allowed an explanation?
So, yeah, today was Thanksgiving, and it was okay, I guess. I laid on my couch until about 2:30, then got up, showered, and went to my troop's house for a couple hours. It was really nice, and there are certain people from work that I like hanging out with outside of work, most of whom were present. Then I went to the Hospitality House. At first, I really didn't feel the vibe, and I kept thinking about leaving, but I didn't, and I'm glad I didn't because I ended up having a good time. The best part, though, is going to be tomorrow night when we decorate the Christmas tree. This is the event that really puts me in the Spirit each year. That's the way it's always been since I was a kid. I remember going to my grandparents house with the whole family and we always made such a big deal about trimming the tree. I think it's because so much of Christmas is all about the anticipation and the build up. The tree is just what really sets it all off. But, I digress. So anyway, I stayed at the HH until 10-ish, then went to the aforementioned party. The main reason I wanted to go to the party, though, was because my friend Chappy, who PCS'd to Yakota a few months ago, is back in town this weekend, and he was there. So either way, it was great to see him again. But as far as the original issue, right now I'm just feeling so emotionally wasted. I'm torn between a) just trying to ignore the whole issue and remove myself from it all (which is near impossible) and b) growing a pair and getting all confrontational (which probably won't happen). Frustration. Hurt.
Okay, I'm really tired right now, so I'm gonna hit the sack. Sorry if this entry has been a little random. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

A few weeks ago, I typed up this e-mail to a couple friends of mine, but never sent it. It's been sitting in my "Drafts" folder for quite a while now. And the way it looks, I'll probably never send it. I think it's one of my better essays, so, I figured, instead of letting it go to waste, I'll just post it here, totally unedited. Enjoy!

I've heard it said that people are strange when you're a stranger. Well, when you think about it, we're all strangers. Nobody really knows anybody. (I think I heard that in a movie recently.) I mean, I talk to people, and tell them about what goes on in my head, but do they really know me? Can they predict what decision I'm going to make at any given time upon encountering a certain problem or opportunity. I seriously doubt there's anyone I truly know. There are people with whom I've been friends for years that still surprise me from time to time. I constantly have this fear in the back of my mind that no one is being completely honest with me about how they feel. Even close friends, when asked why they chose a particular option or path, won't tell me anything other than, "I don't know," which is total bullshit. Of course they know. They are either too lazy to go into it, or they fear my reaction to their truest feelings. How can we be expected to have healthy relationships amongst each other when we can't even be honest? I mean, other than a solid relationship with God, the best thing we can attain in this world is healthy relationships with our brothers. And when I say "brother," I don't mean like an actual brother. I mean it in the way black people use it, which is more meaningful, I think. (Did you like my comic relief there?) Regardless, healthy relationships don't just happen on their own. We have to work at them. We have to be willing to risk being hurt. We have to love. Love isn't just a feeling. It's a choice. As of this moment, I am choosing to love each of you to the best of my abilities. Now, I know that I will probably get emotionally hurt or upset. Not to be rude, but you guys aren't perfect, nor am I. If you choose to rely on me and expect me to be 100% honest with you, you're going to be disappointed. But that's what it takes. I'm willing to take that risk. You guys are my best friends here at Misawa, and I don't want it to be some kind of stupid, superficial kind of bond. I want us to be able to grow together and have meaningful experiences.

Okay, so now as I look back on this essay, I feel I should make a comment or two. I guess knowing someone is a little more than just being able to predict what they're going to do. I mean, if I knew beforehand everything somebody was going to do and say, then that would make our relationship rather boring. Variety is the spice of life, right? So that part may have been a little off, but I still stand by the whole "love is a choice" part.
Yeah, so I'm not sure why I decided to post that. I have plenty to write about. I had one of the best weekends I've had in a while. Friday night, a bunch of us from the HH played wally-ball, then hung out until way late. Saturday was Bible Study, which, I thought went pretty well. I mean, it never goes as well as I think it should. Like, when I'm planning it, I have this ideal sequence of events in my head, which somehow never ends up happening. Regardless, Saturday was probably the apex of my Bible Study leading abilities. After that, I went downtown with my friends Melissa and Ryan, who have been dating for about a week and a half. We just tossed back a few beers at various bars, then went back to Ryan's room. I didn't get home until 6 AM. I rarely have late nights like that, but they're fun every so often. I slept until noon on Sunday, which, I think, is the latest I've ever slept in my life. For some reason, it's just not in my nature to sleep late. Then I watched "The Spanish Prisoner" and "Shakespeare in Love." Both are excellent movies. TSP is just a good mystery, fun to watch, and intriguing to figure out. SIL is one of those movies that just makes me feel good. It makes me want to be in love. At Church last night, I finally saw James "Smurphy" Murphy, who I haven't seen in almost a year. It was great to see him again and hang out and catch up. After Church, I went to the HH, ate, and then went to karaoke with Abby, Jean-Marie, Jeni-Bomb, Smurphy, Biscuit, Jimmy, Laura, and Karen. So much fun! Then, last night, I had this really weird dream. I guess the planet had been taken over by aliens, and they brainwashed most of the people, or lobotomized them, or something. And I was with these other people that had somehow escaped, kind of like rebels. And we were living in these camps and trying to hide out. The general mood of everyone was really tense. I can't really remember any of the details, unfortunately.
Okay, I've really rambled on too long. I have some work to finish and several briefings to attend today. Luckily, this is only a three-day work week. I'm so looking forward to a long weekend of restoration and relaxation. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Searching myself for the hurt that needs healing...

The emotional rollercoaster that is my week keeps right on going, and it's starting to make me nauseated. I went to Cross Point last night, and I really didn't want to be there. Every week I think about telling Mark that I just can't do it anymore. Between staying late at work all the time and trying to devote time to this Bible Study, I just don't have the time or the energy. But then, after we started playing, I felt a lot better. Even though I have no ability to relate to middle school kids, it still was nice to be able to help provide this music for them and aid in their worship.
So, since I was feeling so good, I decided I was going to be assertive in the whole love situation, but it turned out really bad. In fact, there was no confrontation at all, yet I somehow ended up backing myself into a corner, giving myself no options. I have made a vow not to initiate any kind of future contact. So now I feel rotten. Worse than before. I want to break my vow and try to mend the friendship, or at least get an explanation. But I probably won't. My only consolation was that later, Jimmy and Caleb and I went to Komaki's and had a really nice onsen, and then I paid 1000 yen to get my feet massaged, and it was great. Despite being so unstable right now, I slept pretty good last night.
So now I'm at work, and I'm waiting on another guy because until he gets me his report, I can't do my report. This is the shit that keeps me here late all the time! Oh, yeah, I think I'm going to start cussing. I don't normally, unless it's for the greater humour of the situation. And it's not like I'm going to make every other word the f-word. I'm just going to use it for emphasis in certain situations. And there are a few words that are off limits that I just don't like the sound of, even though some people don't really think of them as bad words (i.e. sucks, tits, piss, and possibly a few others). And it's not like I'm going to use them around children or when my witness could be affected. Only around the closest of friends. I think my favorite phrase is, "What the hell?"
Okay, I now have a report in my hot little hand, so it's back to work. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

So, I went out to lunch with Don today, and pretty much laid everything out there. We've gone out to lunch before, and we always have good discussions, but I usually hold back. And he's expressed his frustration with me about how I'm hard to know. When I asked him to go out to lunch, I kind of told myself that I was going to tell him pretty much everything. And I did. Don's so compassionate. After our talk at lunch, and a second talk on the phone a few minutes ago, I feel as though I've been through a catharsis or something. It was very healing. He helped me understand a lot about the pain that I'm going through, and that God may be allowing all this to happen for a reason. It's all a big journey. I'm sure I've heard it all before, but somehow, it just seemed to make so much sense today. And I know I've still got a lot to go through, but it's nice to know that there are people out there who understand and sympathize. That's all I have to say about that, I guess.
I've been listening to Fiona Apple all day. She's so sullen and dark. Her songs are all about twisted love and desperation. Piano driven and bluesy.
I called my Mom today. It's her birthday. She and Dad and Chris were getting ready to go out to eat. I love doing stuff like that with the fam. Talking with my Mom is such a trip. I talk for about 4 minutes about what's going on here, and then she shares all the family and local news for about 45 minutes. And I can always hear Rudy let out a bark or two. Funny stuff.
I was originally supposed to go out to dinner with Mikey tonight, but I called him and left a message and still haven't heard anything, so Abby and Ben and I are going to go instead. At first, Ben said he wouldn't go because he wanted to save money, but I convinced him. I can talk that boy into anything.
Okay, I really need to hop in the shower. Ben and Abs are supposed to be here any minute, and I'm still in uniform. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

So, you know when I said the love thing has taken a turn, but I wasn't sure if it was good or bad? Well, it's bad. Worse than bad. I thought things were going to kind of straighten out, but now it looks as though that's not going to happen. Communication has siezed. I'm feeling empty, insecure, and rotten. And I don't really know why. I have not done anything wrong. Feelings were expressed, and agreements were made, but apparantly the whole freak-outed-ness thing has happened in the worst way. But you know what? I'm going to do my best to pick up, carry on, and still choose the action of love and practicing purposeful acts of love. I refuse to be bitter. Maybe depressed, but never bitter. I have no one to blame but myself. I'm going to do my best to move on.
I feel my morals slipping. Laziness. Regret. I've been looking for a scapegoat. I doubt one exists.
So yesterday, a bunch of people from the Hospitality House went to the Salmon Festival in Shimoda. It was really fun and quite interesting. Basically, you get into this knee deep water and try to catch a salmon with your bare hands. Unfortunately, I was a little slow, and didn't get a fish; however, everyone else did, so we dined on grilled salmon, broiled salmon, salmon cakes, etc. last night after church. Definitely one of the best meals I've had in a while.
I appreciate Abby more and more each day. I was watching her as she led worship last night at Chapel, and I just couldn't help but smile. She's like an angel up there. So in tune with God. So at home in worship. I crave being around her, just because I feel the Lord's presence.
Okay, this has been a really multiple personality-ish entry, so I'm just going to close. I have a little more work to finish before the end of the day anyway. Brad and I are supposed to get food and watch Fantasia 2000 tonight. Tomorrow is lunch with Don. The rest of the week is kind of fuzzy. Luckily, next week is only a three-day work week due to the Thanksgiving holiday. I'm sure I'll write more about that in my next entry. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

I'm working today. Everyone else is off, but I'm working. But you know what? I'm not really too bitter about it. I mean, I didn't appreciate having to get up early this morning, but it's not like I had any big plans today or anything. I still have tomorrow off for Veteran's Day.
Last night, after Church, several of us went to Shimoda to see "The Matrix: Revolutions." Two words: don't bother. In my humble opinion, they should have left well enough alone with the first one. They tried to make this whole saga, and answer all these questions, but all they did, really, was deny there were any questions to answer. Also, if they make such a big deal about this being "the end," then there should be no hints at yet another sequel. And, above all, it just wasn't very entertaining. Enough of my criticizing.
As for the whole love situation, I'm really kind of clueless. There has been no interaction whatsoever in a week. I think there is some freak-outed-ness going on. I don't know what to do. I guess I'm just going to be patient.
Bible Study on Saturday went okay, I guess. I'm still really not comfortable with the whole thing. I keep telling myself that I'm going to give it just one more week, but obviously, I haven't followed through.
Since I'm not really even supposed to be here today, I think I'm going to skip out a little early and hit the gym. Brad and I are supposed to go onsen tonight, so that should be nice and relaxing. Plus, I have some major house cleaning to do because I guess I inadvertently invited a bunch of people to my house to watch movies tomorrow. That's okay, though. Maybe it will do me some good.
Okay, I'm going to finish up some work and take off. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Okay, so the whole love issue has kind of taken a turn, but I'm still not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. We've kind of opened up to each other, and I'm very optimistic; however, something is telling me I shouldn't be. I mean, I know it's a good thing to be optimistic, but I just know I'm going to get so emotional over everything, and end up going through a lot of pain. I really don't like that aspect of my personality. I don't want to smother anyone. Oh, well. The same thing happened in Vegas. You think I'd be able to handle stuff like this by now. You think I'd be able to learn from past experiences. You think I'd be able to control my emotions a little better. Love does strange things to people.
So, I'm off work today. Yay! I test for Tech tomorrow, so today is kind of a prep day. To be honest, I have no intentions of studying at all. In fact, I've put about as many hours into studying for Tech as I did for Staff, which is zero. I don't expect to make it or anything. Maybe if the whole cross-train thing goes through, then I'll put a little more of an effort forth next year.
Oh! Last Wednesday, several friends and I went to go see "Kill Bill," which I thought was great. Very bloody, but still visually stunning. I think I'm going to see it again sometime this week. I really appreciate Quentin Tarantino.
Okay, I guess I'm going to get up off my couch (on which I've been sleeping for the past month), and do some yoga, then hit the gym, then slack off for the rest of the day.