Armor

I'm not going to get into all the details, but last night, I came close to getting a fist in my jaw. At one point, I had my eyes closed expecting it to happen. I could see it all so clearly in my head. The pain of the impact. The sting of my skin splitting. The throbbing and aching. The taste of blood in my mouth. I wanted it to happen. I was hoping for it.
Why was I so desperate to get hit? What did I want out of it? There's a lot to do with it, I think. And it all starts with lack of feeling. For one, I'm getting ready to PCS, so I've been emotionally preparing myself for the pain, and it's made me numb. Second, I just feel like a big wuss, physically. And finally, and probably most importantly, I haven't really been intimate with anyone in a long time, physically or emotionally.
I don't know. Maybe I'm way off. Maybe it's just a phase. Maybe I want sympathy. Maybe I've watched "Fight Club" one too many times. All I know is I've been feeling rather empty lately, and I don't like it.