So everyone who reads my blog on a regular basis probably thinks that I'm some sort of really dark, depressed person seriously in need of some Prozac, but nothing could be further from the truth. The title of this blog is "Glimpse Into A (Usually) Optimistic Mind," and that's what it is....usually. It's just that the only time I really feel the need to write is when I'm in a dark mood. Getting my feelings out is kind of helpful, and knowing that everyone who reads this knows what I'm going through somehow makes me feel a little better.
Overall, things are pretty good. I'm healthy. I have a loving family. I have great friends. I'm happy at work. I'm getting ready to go to the desert again, which, though some may consider a bad thing, I'm looking forward to. It will be a nice change of scenery.
However, there's this one stupid area that's causing me so much pain. I thought things were going to be cool, but I guess they aren't. And I can't do anything about it. I hate feeling so out of control. The first time I went through this, it was just the severe feelings of hurt. But this time, it's hurt with an extra dose of anger.
Anyway, I'm getting ready to go out to dinner with some friends, which is a good thing. I feel the need to just be around some people tonight. I'm off work the rest of the week, and heading down to Tokyo on Thursday with Paul, Trish, and Jean-Marie. We're just going to shop and hang out and go to Tokyo Disney, which should be a very interesting experience in itself. Okay, so I'm gonna go now. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

So, in this extremely long week of 12-hour days, playing FreeCell (which, I believe, is about as addictive as heroin), and daydreaming of Ibiza, I've had quite a lot of time to surf CNN.com, FoxNews.com, and other various sites regarding current events. The most frequent issue addressed has been that of same-sex marriages. It seems the Mayor of San Francisco has grown a pair and made the call to allow same-sex marriages because banning it would defy state laws prohibiting discrimination. And I say, "Kudos to you, Mr. Mayor!" I think that the whole "civil unions" deal was definitely a step in the right direction, but it kind of reminds me of the whole "separate but equal" thing we had in the 60's, and we see how that turned out. Meanwhile, Mr. Bush has decided to chime in and say that he is "troubled" by what's going on in San Francisco. Tragic. He doesn't really seem too troubled by the thousands of innocent lives he's sentenced to death in the Iraqi desert. Oh, and let's not forget the governor of California. Mr. Schwarzenegger (don't worry, I checked the spelling) says the state will reject any marriage certificates sent by San Francisco because they fail to meet legal standards. So a guy who spends his off-time playing grab-ass, working out 6 hours a day, and driving a Hummer is going to point fingers at others' sexual issues? Go ahead, Arnold. Nobody's really taking you seriously in the first place. It amuses me how people get so upset about this issue because they say gay marriage doesn't truly represent the sanctity of the institution of marriage. Let's forget the 2002 statistics revealing that 40% of "real" marriages end in divorce (which, granted, is down from 48% in 1992). And don't even make me bring up Elizabeth Taylor or, God forbid, Britney Spears. I think these same-sex couples have a much better chance of staying married than the average straight couple, just because of how hard they have fought for this right. It's not something they're going to rush into or be cavalier about. And what impact is it really going to have on society anyway. If anything, it will make this country even more of a melting pot. I mean, I've always kind of admired Elton John and k.d. lang anyway. But, I digress. And so, in conclusion, let me just say that it will be a grand day on this earth when people can just live and let live.

Yep, still in the exercise. It's been really slow, and my week has consisted of sitting in my office and staring at the walls. We found out this morning, though, that we will be processing this afternoon, so hopefully, things are winding down. Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good today. Yeah, there's still this underlying void or darkness or something, but it's slowly going away. And I'm feeling optimistic. I'm going to Tokyo next week. A few weeks after that, I'll be in the desert. Abby leaves today, which is a total bummer. But I have to admit, I'm a little jealous because she's getting to go to Seattle. Maybe I can go visit her, and she can take me to Kurt Cobain's grave. Um, okay, I'm really drawing a blank now on what to write, so I guess I'm just going to watch a movie or something. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

We're in the middle of a base exercise, but we're not really doing anything. We've just been told to stand-by, so everyone is pretty much goofing off and playing cards and what-not. My weekend was kinda good and kinda not so good. I had fun and stuff. Eating dinner with friends. Drinking beers with the guys. Going to the movies. Laying on my couch. But the mood still remains. Emotionally, I'm a wreck. I've never felt so un-loved in all my life. And it's totally stupid for me to feel that way. Everyone is always telling me and showing me how much they love me. Everyone except the one person I want to say it. And that's why I feel like shit. But, you know, even if nobody told me, I still have no reason to feel this way. I need to feel worthy of God's love. I need to realize the extent of Christ's love and what He went through for me. Who gives a rat's ass how much people love me? Well, I guess I do. Anyway, if the exercise keeps going like it is, I'm sure I'll write more later on this week. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Whoa. I hadn't realized how long it's been since I last wrote. I went to Sapporo last weekend for the big Snow Festival, which was pretty amazing. Work this week has been really busy, but good. We have another three day weekend because of President's Day, but the extent of my activities will involve laying on my couch and watching movies, most likely. I'd really like to go snowboarding, but the ankle is still sore, and I don't want to take any chances.
For some reason, I'm still down, and I don't really know why. I have short periods of happiness, but overall, I have this general mood of muddiness. I still think I put too much faith in other people, and let them determine how happy I am. If someone doesn't call me back, it's automatically my fault. Apparently, I'm not good enough to get a phone call. And it's a downward spiral from there. Then that compounds upon the fact I always want what I can't have. If anybody ever has a crush on me, all they have to do is play "hard-to-get," and I'm theirs.
We have a base exercise starting on Tuesday that's supposed to last a week, but I'm not too worried about it. It will probably be really slow, and I'm just going to go with the flow. After that, Paul, Trish, Jean-Marie, and I will be going down to Tokyo for a 4-day vacation. I think it will be really fun. Hopefully by then, my ankle will be better, and I can get in some snowboarding before I take off for the desert.
Anyway, that's gonna be all for me today. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Going, going, going. It's been a busy weekend. It actually started on Thursday. I went down to Tokyo with my friend Kerry to see Belle & Sebastian. It was a great show. We stayed overnight with her sis, Simone. Then shopped all day Friday. I came back Friday night, and totally crashed out. On Saturday, I went snowboarding with Jay, which was pretty cool. I've missed the past two weekends because of my ankle, and it was nice to hit the slopes again. That is, until we were going through some trees, and I caught my edge and jacked up my ankle again. I managed to board the rest of the day, but I went really easy. I'm supposed to go again tomorrow, but I'm not sure if I'm gonna make it. On one hand, I hate missing potential snowboarding days. On the other hand, it might be nice to have a day to relax before I go back to work. Oh yeah, we have tomorrow off for the Super Bowl, which I have no intention of watching.
I really fell in love with Tokyo. Just being around so many people kind of gives me a buzz. It's fun to get around and watch all the people. There's so much to do and so much to see. I kind of made a decision. I'm probably going to stay in the Air Force. I mean, there's a lot of stuff I really don't like about it, but it's what gives me the greatest opportunity for travel, which I've found I love more than anything. I'll always have a certain place in my heart for the States, but the world is too big to grow roots in one country and in one culture.
Anyway, there's tons more I'd like to write about, but I'm really hungry. I'm only working Tuesday and Wednesday this week. I'm taking more leave this weekend to go up to Sapporo for the Ice Festival, which should be totally amazing. Okay, I'm gonna cook. Take care. No worries. God Bless.