So, as promised, here's a list of the books I'm taking to the desert:

"The Politics of Jesus" by John Howard Yoder
"The Pleasure of My Company" by Steve Martin
"The Challenge of Jesus" by N.T. Wright
"The Peaceable Kingdom" by Stanley Hauerwas
"Choke" by Chuck Palahniuk
"The Story We Find Ourselves In" by Brian McLaren
"Glamorama" by Bret Easton Ellis
and, of course,
"Mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis

Hopefully, these will keep me occupied for the next three months. There's gonna be a lot of plane time, so I think I'll be okay.
Anyway, I still have tons of packing to do, plus people to see and a house to finish cleaning. The next entry I make will probably be from on the opposite side of the world. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

I think we have a definite line between our private and our public lives. And not just what we do, but there's a difference in personality, as well. I've always thought I could tell how good a friend was by how much I told him and how much of my private personality I let him see. But now, that seems so fake to me. Why can't I just let everyone know all of me? I'm going to start breaking down that wall between public and private. I've told people before that my life is an open book, and now, I'm going to start following through with it.
Brad and I just got back from the onsen at Komaki's. After we onsened, we got foot massages, and it was great. We were reluctant to put our shoes back on because our feet were all tingling and stuff.
I'm starting to get those last minute jitters about deploying. And again, it's not really about the deployment itself. It's more about the trip over there and all the crap we're going to have to endure with carrying weapons and airport security and hauling bags to and from hotels. Ugh. I get exhausted just thinking about it. I just wish we were already in country and I had all my stuff in my tent and I was working. I'm still in the midst of packing. I was going to list all the books I'm taking with me on here, but they're all upstairs, and I'm down here on my couch getting ready to go to sleep, so I'll just have to list them some other time. Today was totally crazy with appointments and tying up loose ends at work and stuff. Tomorrow is going to be just as bad; however, I'm going to force myself to find time to go to Hachinohe and watch a movie. It's called "Dogville" and it was directed by Lars von Trier, and I'm really looking forward to watching it. After that, though, I'm going to be running around like a headless chicken, which is a rather disgusting metaphor. How about, running around like one of those little wind-up toys that keeps going until it runs into a wall and then turns around and goes the other way until it hits another wall, etc.? Maybe not as chaotic, but definitely more tame.
And one final thought: liberation in mind is a good thing. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

I've been feeling old a lot lately. Not like, "my body is falling apart and I have gray hair" old. More like, "gee, I'm hanging out with people who were born a decade after me" old. I don't think I look or act old, but it's just when I think about dates, I realize how fast time is moving. I'm almost 30, I'm not married, I don't have any major financial assets, and I still haven't really learned how to accept responsibility. I guess all things will come in time. It's so ridiculous to worry about it.
In other news, Jean-Marie broke her leg snowboarding yesterday. Things are going to be way tough on Don for a while. I kinda wish I weren't deploying so I could be around to help. I'm sure people will step up, though, and hopefully, Jean-Marie will be back on her feet by the time I get back.
Anyway, I have this week off work to do last minute stuff in preparation for deploying. We take off on Friday. I haven't even started packing yet. I'm going to take it easy, though. I'll pack a little, take a nap, pack some more, eat, pack, watch a movie, hang out, sleep, etc. I can't really think of anything else to write. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

What a great weekend! Friday night, the Japanese in my shop put on a little party for those of us deploying, and it was really fun. We drank beers and smoked cigars and sang lots of karaoke. Saturday, I went snowboarding at Hakkoda, and, despite a few icy patches, it was good stuff. It was the first time I'd been in over a month, and I was a little concerned my ankle would bother me, but I had no problems at all. Sunday, I worked on my house a little more. I'm pretty much done with all the major cleaning and moving stuff around and such. Now, I'll just go over everything with the vacuum cleaner before I take off.
This week is going to be way slow. I'll take care of some out-processing and stare at the walls and stuff. Matt and Danielle are getting married on Wednesday, so I'll definitely go to that. The National Prayer Luncheon is Thursday, and Chaplain Oberheid is speaking, and that is always good to hear. Anyway, I'm babbling on and on, so I'm gonna pretend to work or something. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Things are going well...a little too well, maybe. All the drama and pain that I had been going through for the past few months is pretty much over, and now I just seem to be happily floating along. But in the back of my mind, I feel cautious, like something could happen at any time. I guess, in a way, I kind of miss that pain. (Does that make me a drama queen?) It occupied so much of my time and thoughts for so long, and now that it's not there, I have little else about which to think.
I found out yesterday that my departure date has been pushed back a week, so now, instead of the 19th, we're leaving on the 26th. I don't really care either way. I mean, I want to go, and get out of Misawa, and just start working. However, it will be nice to hang out here for another week, too. There will be a few of my friends PCSing while I'm gone, and any extra time I get to spend with them is appreciated. Also, the group deploying will be getting split up as we're going through the States, and we still don't know if we'll be staying over in Baltimore or Atlanta. I'm hoping for two things: 1) that I don't get separated from Brad, and 2) that I go through Baltimore. Brad and I have plans to see lots of movies while we're in the States, and both Dan and Ben live close to Baltimore. I don't really know anyone in Atlanta. But, regardless of where I go and who I'm with, I'm sure I'll be able to make my own fun during those few days in the States.
Anyway, work is really slow this week. I've been taking care of a few minor out-processing needs. I don't expect it to pick up before we leave. I'm just gonna go with the flow. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

I'm trying to get my house clean. My house is always clean, in a way, but this time it's more than just keeping it neat and vacuuming and stuff. This time, I'm going through all the crap in my back bedroom and dusting behind bookshelves and getting rid of everything that has no real purpose. Jeff is going to house sit for me while I'm deployed, and I'd hate for him to move in and discover giant dust bunnies hiding behind my bed. That's pretty much what I did all weekend. Well, besides the CE Ball on Friday, and Bible study (read: wallyball) on Saturday and Church / HH on Sunday. The weekend was both relaxing and productive. Only 11 more days till I deploy. I should probably start packing pretty soon.
Anyway, this week is probably going to be pretty dull at work. There's not much work for me to do, just a few outprocessing appointments and some training. I'll write more later this week. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Last night, I went to the CE Ball, which is like a miniature, stupider version of the Air Force Ball for only CE people. I felt like I was kind of guilted into going, and I really didn't want to be there. But you know what? It wasn't really that bad. Of course, I had to get a couple drinks in me before I got into the swing of things. But the best part was really afterward. I ran into a friend I haven't talked to in about 4 months. We hung out and caught up and had a really nice talk. Then I went home and changed and went back to the E-Club and saw more friends. It was just a really nice, fun, social time. Anyway, I could keep trying to describe it and dwell on it, but I'm just going to accept it. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

I'm not going to the airport today. I've already said my good-byes, and it's given me some closure, and I'm hoping that it will be one of those "out of sight / out of mind" type things. My time in the desert is going to be a time of healing.
So I went to Tokyo over the weekend with Jean-Marie, Trish, and Paul, and it was a blast. We did lots of walking and shopping and eating (at cool American restaurants like T.G.I. Friday's and Red Lobster) and drank quite a few frappucinos. We went to Tokyo Disney, which was really fun. I'm just really starting to appreciate Tokyo.
Anyway, I can't really thing of anything else to write, so instead of just babbling on and on, I'm going to stop. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

So everyone who reads my blog on a regular basis probably thinks that I'm some sort of really dark, depressed person seriously in need of some Prozac, but nothing could be further from the truth. The title of this blog is "Glimpse Into A (Usually) Optimistic Mind," and that's what it is....usually. It's just that the only time I really feel the need to write is when I'm in a dark mood. Getting my feelings out is kind of helpful, and knowing that everyone who reads this knows what I'm going through somehow makes me feel a little better.
Overall, things are pretty good. I'm healthy. I have a loving family. I have great friends. I'm happy at work. I'm getting ready to go to the desert again, which, though some may consider a bad thing, I'm looking forward to. It will be a nice change of scenery.
However, there's this one stupid area that's causing me so much pain. I thought things were going to be cool, but I guess they aren't. And I can't do anything about it. I hate feeling so out of control. The first time I went through this, it was just the severe feelings of hurt. But this time, it's hurt with an extra dose of anger.
Anyway, I'm getting ready to go out to dinner with some friends, which is a good thing. I feel the need to just be around some people tonight. I'm off work the rest of the week, and heading down to Tokyo on Thursday with Paul, Trish, and Jean-Marie. We're just going to shop and hang out and go to Tokyo Disney, which should be a very interesting experience in itself. Okay, so I'm gonna go now. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

So, in this extremely long week of 12-hour days, playing FreeCell (which, I believe, is about as addictive as heroin), and daydreaming of Ibiza, I've had quite a lot of time to surf CNN.com, FoxNews.com, and other various sites regarding current events. The most frequent issue addressed has been that of same-sex marriages. It seems the Mayor of San Francisco has grown a pair and made the call to allow same-sex marriages because banning it would defy state laws prohibiting discrimination. And I say, "Kudos to you, Mr. Mayor!" I think that the whole "civil unions" deal was definitely a step in the right direction, but it kind of reminds me of the whole "separate but equal" thing we had in the 60's, and we see how that turned out. Meanwhile, Mr. Bush has decided to chime in and say that he is "troubled" by what's going on in San Francisco. Tragic. He doesn't really seem too troubled by the thousands of innocent lives he's sentenced to death in the Iraqi desert. Oh, and let's not forget the governor of California. Mr. Schwarzenegger (don't worry, I checked the spelling) says the state will reject any marriage certificates sent by San Francisco because they fail to meet legal standards. So a guy who spends his off-time playing grab-ass, working out 6 hours a day, and driving a Hummer is going to point fingers at others' sexual issues? Go ahead, Arnold. Nobody's really taking you seriously in the first place. It amuses me how people get so upset about this issue because they say gay marriage doesn't truly represent the sanctity of the institution of marriage. Let's forget the 2002 statistics revealing that 40% of "real" marriages end in divorce (which, granted, is down from 48% in 1992). And don't even make me bring up Elizabeth Taylor or, God forbid, Britney Spears. I think these same-sex couples have a much better chance of staying married than the average straight couple, just because of how hard they have fought for this right. It's not something they're going to rush into or be cavalier about. And what impact is it really going to have on society anyway. If anything, it will make this country even more of a melting pot. I mean, I've always kind of admired Elton John and k.d. lang anyway. But, I digress. And so, in conclusion, let me just say that it will be a grand day on this earth when people can just live and let live.

Yep, still in the exercise. It's been really slow, and my week has consisted of sitting in my office and staring at the walls. We found out this morning, though, that we will be processing this afternoon, so hopefully, things are winding down. Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good today. Yeah, there's still this underlying void or darkness or something, but it's slowly going away. And I'm feeling optimistic. I'm going to Tokyo next week. A few weeks after that, I'll be in the desert. Abby leaves today, which is a total bummer. But I have to admit, I'm a little jealous because she's getting to go to Seattle. Maybe I can go visit her, and she can take me to Kurt Cobain's grave. Um, okay, I'm really drawing a blank now on what to write, so I guess I'm just going to watch a movie or something. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

We're in the middle of a base exercise, but we're not really doing anything. We've just been told to stand-by, so everyone is pretty much goofing off and playing cards and what-not. My weekend was kinda good and kinda not so good. I had fun and stuff. Eating dinner with friends. Drinking beers with the guys. Going to the movies. Laying on my couch. But the mood still remains. Emotionally, I'm a wreck. I've never felt so un-loved in all my life. And it's totally stupid for me to feel that way. Everyone is always telling me and showing me how much they love me. Everyone except the one person I want to say it. And that's why I feel like shit. But, you know, even if nobody told me, I still have no reason to feel this way. I need to feel worthy of God's love. I need to realize the extent of Christ's love and what He went through for me. Who gives a rat's ass how much people love me? Well, I guess I do. Anyway, if the exercise keeps going like it is, I'm sure I'll write more later on this week. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Whoa. I hadn't realized how long it's been since I last wrote. I went to Sapporo last weekend for the big Snow Festival, which was pretty amazing. Work this week has been really busy, but good. We have another three day weekend because of President's Day, but the extent of my activities will involve laying on my couch and watching movies, most likely. I'd really like to go snowboarding, but the ankle is still sore, and I don't want to take any chances.
For some reason, I'm still down, and I don't really know why. I have short periods of happiness, but overall, I have this general mood of muddiness. I still think I put too much faith in other people, and let them determine how happy I am. If someone doesn't call me back, it's automatically my fault. Apparently, I'm not good enough to get a phone call. And it's a downward spiral from there. Then that compounds upon the fact I always want what I can't have. If anybody ever has a crush on me, all they have to do is play "hard-to-get," and I'm theirs.
We have a base exercise starting on Tuesday that's supposed to last a week, but I'm not too worried about it. It will probably be really slow, and I'm just going to go with the flow. After that, Paul, Trish, Jean-Marie, and I will be going down to Tokyo for a 4-day vacation. I think it will be really fun. Hopefully by then, my ankle will be better, and I can get in some snowboarding before I take off for the desert.
Anyway, that's gonna be all for me today. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Going, going, going. It's been a busy weekend. It actually started on Thursday. I went down to Tokyo with my friend Kerry to see Belle & Sebastian. It was a great show. We stayed overnight with her sis, Simone. Then shopped all day Friday. I came back Friday night, and totally crashed out. On Saturday, I went snowboarding with Jay, which was pretty cool. I've missed the past two weekends because of my ankle, and it was nice to hit the slopes again. That is, until we were going through some trees, and I caught my edge and jacked up my ankle again. I managed to board the rest of the day, but I went really easy. I'm supposed to go again tomorrow, but I'm not sure if I'm gonna make it. On one hand, I hate missing potential snowboarding days. On the other hand, it might be nice to have a day to relax before I go back to work. Oh yeah, we have tomorrow off for the Super Bowl, which I have no intention of watching.
I really fell in love with Tokyo. Just being around so many people kind of gives me a buzz. It's fun to get around and watch all the people. There's so much to do and so much to see. I kind of made a decision. I'm probably going to stay in the Air Force. I mean, there's a lot of stuff I really don't like about it, but it's what gives me the greatest opportunity for travel, which I've found I love more than anything. I'll always have a certain place in my heart for the States, but the world is too big to grow roots in one country and in one culture.
Anyway, there's tons more I'd like to write about, but I'm really hungry. I'm only working Tuesday and Wednesday this week. I'm taking more leave this weekend to go up to Sapporo for the Ice Festival, which should be totally amazing. Okay, I'm gonna cook. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

I've watched "The Royal Tenenbaums" three times in the past week, and cried every time. I love how Ben Stiller realizes what a dick he's been and finally forgives his father. And Anjelica Houston's character kind of reminds me of my own mother, somehow.
In other news, I'm really hoping for some good conversation this weekend. The numbness hasn't disappeared or anything, but I think some serious social activity with regained friends could help out a lot. I'd like to snowboard, too, but if my ankle is still sore, then I'll have to skip again.
I watched part of the "State of the Union" address yesterday, and then got online and read the whole thing. I'm so frustrated with that man. What's worse is that he does all his deeds in the name of Christ. Since when is Christ all about greed and murder? Craziness.
Okay, well, I'm gonna get back to work. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

In the distance, a glimmer of light. Hope. Contact has been made.

I find myself becoming numb. My emotions are disappearing. I don't get excited or upset or happy or depressed. The only thing I'm feeling is a general sense of apathy. Ben and Abby are leaving soon, and it's not like I don't want them to stay, but I'm having a hard time working up feelings of grief. I'm going to have to make a major decision pretty soon about whether or not to stay in the Air Force, but thinking about it is not a priority. My cousin is going through a major drug problem, but praying for him isn't at the top of my list of things to do. I hate all this middle-of-the-road bullshit. I'd rather be ice cold than luke warm.

So alone.
I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen.
This desperation is killing me.

Yeah, so I'm really sick. Actually, I was sick. I'm feeling a little better now. I started hurling yesterday afternoon, so I went to the doc this morning, and they sent me home for a day. I just slept all afternoon, then decided to watch a movie. "Wonder Boys." Good flick. I feel like I can identify with Michael Douglas's character. He has all these problems and situations that seem to keep building up throughout the film, and he doesn't really deal with any of them directly. In fact, it kinda seems like he just ignores them and hopes they'll go away. Like he can't really accept responsibility for the decisions he makes. I'm the same way. I have issues and problems and responsibilities, and I never want to deal with them. It probably comes from being so spoiled when I was younger. I've never really had to make a lot of decisions on my own. It was just expected that I go to college as soon as I finish high school. It was just expected that I be a music major. It seems everything I've done, I've done just because people expect me to. I'm not even sure I know what I want to do or should do. One day, I'm really going to back myself into a corner, and there's not going to be anyone around to help me out, and then I'll really be fucked.
So, anyway, I think I'm going to watch another movie. "The Royal Tannenbaums," maybe. Or possibly "Dr. Strangelove." I haven't decided yet. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

The holidays are over. I'm back at work. It's hectic, but I'm not really stressing or anything. Let's flashback to Christmas and New Years, shall we?
...so, for Christmas, I basically hung out at the Hospitality House. It was really a good time. I can't really explain why. I mean, it's not like we were up all night partying. It's just nice to be mellow and comfortable with my friends. And the HH is such a haven. New Years was pretty much the same way. I had 11 days off of work, and I was either hanging out at the HH, snowboarding, or laying on my couch watching movies. Not very eventful, but much appreciated.
I think the love feelings are slowly fading away. It's strange, though. I'm glad, but I kind of almost miss the pain, in a way. I don't think it's completely over by any means, and I'm sure something will set it off again. But at least I'm making progress, I think. Unless I do something stupid.
I completed my deployment paperwork this morning, which means I'm for sure on the list to go to the desert (again) in March. I'm really not sure how I feel about it. I like going to the desert, and the money is always nice, but I'm supposed to be leaving Misawa in July, and I was looking forward to spending the last few months in Japan with my friends. I can't really stress about it, though. God must be sending me there for some reason, so I'll just go along with it.
Anyway, I'm going to get back to work. Hopefully, I'll get back to writing steadily, now that things are back to normal (for a while, at least). Take care. No worries. God Bless.