I'm trying to get my house clean. My house is always clean, in a way, but this time it's more than just keeping it neat and vacuuming and stuff. This time, I'm going through all the crap in my back bedroom and dusting behind bookshelves and getting rid of everything that has no real purpose. Jeff is going to house sit for me while I'm deployed, and I'd hate for him to move in and discover giant dust bunnies hiding behind my bed. That's pretty much what I did all weekend. Well, besides the CE Ball on Friday, and Bible study (read: wallyball) on Saturday and Church / HH on Sunday. The weekend was both relaxing and productive. Only 11 more days till I deploy. I should probably start packing pretty soon.
Anyway, this week is probably going to be pretty dull at work. There's not much work for me to do, just a few outprocessing appointments and some training. I'll write more later this week. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Last night, I went to the CE Ball, which is like a miniature, stupider version of the Air Force Ball for only CE people. I felt like I was kind of guilted into going, and I really didn't want to be there. But you know what? It wasn't really that bad. Of course, I had to get a couple drinks in me before I got into the swing of things. But the best part was really afterward. I ran into a friend I haven't talked to in about 4 months. We hung out and caught up and had a really nice talk. Then I went home and changed and went back to the E-Club and saw more friends. It was just a really nice, fun, social time. Anyway, I could keep trying to describe it and dwell on it, but I'm just going to accept it. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

I'm not going to the airport today. I've already said my good-byes, and it's given me some closure, and I'm hoping that it will be one of those "out of sight / out of mind" type things. My time in the desert is going to be a time of healing.
So I went to Tokyo over the weekend with Jean-Marie, Trish, and Paul, and it was a blast. We did lots of walking and shopping and eating (at cool American restaurants like T.G.I. Friday's and Red Lobster) and drank quite a few frappucinos. We went to Tokyo Disney, which was really fun. I'm just really starting to appreciate Tokyo.
Anyway, I can't really thing of anything else to write, so instead of just babbling on and on, I'm going to stop. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

So everyone who reads my blog on a regular basis probably thinks that I'm some sort of really dark, depressed person seriously in need of some Prozac, but nothing could be further from the truth. The title of this blog is "Glimpse Into A (Usually) Optimistic Mind," and that's what it is....usually. It's just that the only time I really feel the need to write is when I'm in a dark mood. Getting my feelings out is kind of helpful, and knowing that everyone who reads this knows what I'm going through somehow makes me feel a little better.
Overall, things are pretty good. I'm healthy. I have a loving family. I have great friends. I'm happy at work. I'm getting ready to go to the desert again, which, though some may consider a bad thing, I'm looking forward to. It will be a nice change of scenery.
However, there's this one stupid area that's causing me so much pain. I thought things were going to be cool, but I guess they aren't. And I can't do anything about it. I hate feeling so out of control. The first time I went through this, it was just the severe feelings of hurt. But this time, it's hurt with an extra dose of anger.
Anyway, I'm getting ready to go out to dinner with some friends, which is a good thing. I feel the need to just be around some people tonight. I'm off work the rest of the week, and heading down to Tokyo on Thursday with Paul, Trish, and Jean-Marie. We're just going to shop and hang out and go to Tokyo Disney, which should be a very interesting experience in itself. Okay, so I'm gonna go now. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

So, in this extremely long week of 12-hour days, playing FreeCell (which, I believe, is about as addictive as heroin), and daydreaming of Ibiza, I've had quite a lot of time to surf CNN.com, FoxNews.com, and other various sites regarding current events. The most frequent issue addressed has been that of same-sex marriages. It seems the Mayor of San Francisco has grown a pair and made the call to allow same-sex marriages because banning it would defy state laws prohibiting discrimination. And I say, "Kudos to you, Mr. Mayor!" I think that the whole "civil unions" deal was definitely a step in the right direction, but it kind of reminds me of the whole "separate but equal" thing we had in the 60's, and we see how that turned out. Meanwhile, Mr. Bush has decided to chime in and say that he is "troubled" by what's going on in San Francisco. Tragic. He doesn't really seem too troubled by the thousands of innocent lives he's sentenced to death in the Iraqi desert. Oh, and let's not forget the governor of California. Mr. Schwarzenegger (don't worry, I checked the spelling) says the state will reject any marriage certificates sent by San Francisco because they fail to meet legal standards. So a guy who spends his off-time playing grab-ass, working out 6 hours a day, and driving a Hummer is going to point fingers at others' sexual issues? Go ahead, Arnold. Nobody's really taking you seriously in the first place. It amuses me how people get so upset about this issue because they say gay marriage doesn't truly represent the sanctity of the institution of marriage. Let's forget the 2002 statistics revealing that 40% of "real" marriages end in divorce (which, granted, is down from 48% in 1992). And don't even make me bring up Elizabeth Taylor or, God forbid, Britney Spears. I think these same-sex couples have a much better chance of staying married than the average straight couple, just because of how hard they have fought for this right. It's not something they're going to rush into or be cavalier about. And what impact is it really going to have on society anyway. If anything, it will make this country even more of a melting pot. I mean, I've always kind of admired Elton John and k.d. lang anyway. But, I digress. And so, in conclusion, let me just say that it will be a grand day on this earth when people can just live and let live.

Yep, still in the exercise. It's been really slow, and my week has consisted of sitting in my office and staring at the walls. We found out this morning, though, that we will be processing this afternoon, so hopefully, things are winding down. Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good today. Yeah, there's still this underlying void or darkness or something, but it's slowly going away. And I'm feeling optimistic. I'm going to Tokyo next week. A few weeks after that, I'll be in the desert. Abby leaves today, which is a total bummer. But I have to admit, I'm a little jealous because she's getting to go to Seattle. Maybe I can go visit her, and she can take me to Kurt Cobain's grave. Um, okay, I'm really drawing a blank now on what to write, so I guess I'm just going to watch a movie or something. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

We're in the middle of a base exercise, but we're not really doing anything. We've just been told to stand-by, so everyone is pretty much goofing off and playing cards and what-not. My weekend was kinda good and kinda not so good. I had fun and stuff. Eating dinner with friends. Drinking beers with the guys. Going to the movies. Laying on my couch. But the mood still remains. Emotionally, I'm a wreck. I've never felt so un-loved in all my life. And it's totally stupid for me to feel that way. Everyone is always telling me and showing me how much they love me. Everyone except the one person I want to say it. And that's why I feel like shit. But, you know, even if nobody told me, I still have no reason to feel this way. I need to feel worthy of God's love. I need to realize the extent of Christ's love and what He went through for me. Who gives a rat's ass how much people love me? Well, I guess I do. Anyway, if the exercise keeps going like it is, I'm sure I'll write more later on this week. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Whoa. I hadn't realized how long it's been since I last wrote. I went to Sapporo last weekend for the big Snow Festival, which was pretty amazing. Work this week has been really busy, but good. We have another three day weekend because of President's Day, but the extent of my activities will involve laying on my couch and watching movies, most likely. I'd really like to go snowboarding, but the ankle is still sore, and I don't want to take any chances.
For some reason, I'm still down, and I don't really know why. I have short periods of happiness, but overall, I have this general mood of muddiness. I still think I put too much faith in other people, and let them determine how happy I am. If someone doesn't call me back, it's automatically my fault. Apparently, I'm not good enough to get a phone call. And it's a downward spiral from there. Then that compounds upon the fact I always want what I can't have. If anybody ever has a crush on me, all they have to do is play "hard-to-get," and I'm theirs.
We have a base exercise starting on Tuesday that's supposed to last a week, but I'm not too worried about it. It will probably be really slow, and I'm just going to go with the flow. After that, Paul, Trish, Jean-Marie, and I will be going down to Tokyo for a 4-day vacation. I think it will be really fun. Hopefully by then, my ankle will be better, and I can get in some snowboarding before I take off for the desert.
Anyway, that's gonna be all for me today. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Going, going, going. It's been a busy weekend. It actually started on Thursday. I went down to Tokyo with my friend Kerry to see Belle & Sebastian. It was a great show. We stayed overnight with her sis, Simone. Then shopped all day Friday. I came back Friday night, and totally crashed out. On Saturday, I went snowboarding with Jay, which was pretty cool. I've missed the past two weekends because of my ankle, and it was nice to hit the slopes again. That is, until we were going through some trees, and I caught my edge and jacked up my ankle again. I managed to board the rest of the day, but I went really easy. I'm supposed to go again tomorrow, but I'm not sure if I'm gonna make it. On one hand, I hate missing potential snowboarding days. On the other hand, it might be nice to have a day to relax before I go back to work. Oh yeah, we have tomorrow off for the Super Bowl, which I have no intention of watching.
I really fell in love with Tokyo. Just being around so many people kind of gives me a buzz. It's fun to get around and watch all the people. There's so much to do and so much to see. I kind of made a decision. I'm probably going to stay in the Air Force. I mean, there's a lot of stuff I really don't like about it, but it's what gives me the greatest opportunity for travel, which I've found I love more than anything. I'll always have a certain place in my heart for the States, but the world is too big to grow roots in one country and in one culture.
Anyway, there's tons more I'd like to write about, but I'm really hungry. I'm only working Tuesday and Wednesday this week. I'm taking more leave this weekend to go up to Sapporo for the Ice Festival, which should be totally amazing. Okay, I'm gonna cook. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

I've watched "The Royal Tenenbaums" three times in the past week, and cried every time. I love how Ben Stiller realizes what a dick he's been and finally forgives his father. And Anjelica Houston's character kind of reminds me of my own mother, somehow.
In other news, I'm really hoping for some good conversation this weekend. The numbness hasn't disappeared or anything, but I think some serious social activity with regained friends could help out a lot. I'd like to snowboard, too, but if my ankle is still sore, then I'll have to skip again.
I watched part of the "State of the Union" address yesterday, and then got online and read the whole thing. I'm so frustrated with that man. What's worse is that he does all his deeds in the name of Christ. Since when is Christ all about greed and murder? Craziness.
Okay, well, I'm gonna get back to work. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

In the distance, a glimmer of light. Hope. Contact has been made.

I find myself becoming numb. My emotions are disappearing. I don't get excited or upset or happy or depressed. The only thing I'm feeling is a general sense of apathy. Ben and Abby are leaving soon, and it's not like I don't want them to stay, but I'm having a hard time working up feelings of grief. I'm going to have to make a major decision pretty soon about whether or not to stay in the Air Force, but thinking about it is not a priority. My cousin is going through a major drug problem, but praying for him isn't at the top of my list of things to do. I hate all this middle-of-the-road bullshit. I'd rather be ice cold than luke warm.

So alone.
I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen.
This desperation is killing me.

Yeah, so I'm really sick. Actually, I was sick. I'm feeling a little better now. I started hurling yesterday afternoon, so I went to the doc this morning, and they sent me home for a day. I just slept all afternoon, then decided to watch a movie. "Wonder Boys." Good flick. I feel like I can identify with Michael Douglas's character. He has all these problems and situations that seem to keep building up throughout the film, and he doesn't really deal with any of them directly. In fact, it kinda seems like he just ignores them and hopes they'll go away. Like he can't really accept responsibility for the decisions he makes. I'm the same way. I have issues and problems and responsibilities, and I never want to deal with them. It probably comes from being so spoiled when I was younger. I've never really had to make a lot of decisions on my own. It was just expected that I go to college as soon as I finish high school. It was just expected that I be a music major. It seems everything I've done, I've done just because people expect me to. I'm not even sure I know what I want to do or should do. One day, I'm really going to back myself into a corner, and there's not going to be anyone around to help me out, and then I'll really be fucked.
So, anyway, I think I'm going to watch another movie. "The Royal Tannenbaums," maybe. Or possibly "Dr. Strangelove." I haven't decided yet. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

The holidays are over. I'm back at work. It's hectic, but I'm not really stressing or anything. Let's flashback to Christmas and New Years, shall we?
...so, for Christmas, I basically hung out at the Hospitality House. It was really a good time. I can't really explain why. I mean, it's not like we were up all night partying. It's just nice to be mellow and comfortable with my friends. And the HH is such a haven. New Years was pretty much the same way. I had 11 days off of work, and I was either hanging out at the HH, snowboarding, or laying on my couch watching movies. Not very eventful, but much appreciated.
I think the love feelings are slowly fading away. It's strange, though. I'm glad, but I kind of almost miss the pain, in a way. I don't think it's completely over by any means, and I'm sure something will set it off again. But at least I'm making progress, I think. Unless I do something stupid.
I completed my deployment paperwork this morning, which means I'm for sure on the list to go to the desert (again) in March. I'm really not sure how I feel about it. I like going to the desert, and the money is always nice, but I'm supposed to be leaving Misawa in July, and I was looking forward to spending the last few months in Japan with my friends. I can't really stress about it, though. God must be sending me there for some reason, so I'll just go along with it.
Anyway, I'm going to get back to work. Hopefully, I'll get back to writing steadily, now that things are back to normal (for a while, at least). Take care. No worries. God Bless.

So, it's Christmas Eve. I've really been in the Christmas spirit up until this week. Work has been killing me. I hate stressing over anything as stupid as work, and this week it's been one emergency after another. But I only have a few more hours to endure, and then I'll be off for 11 days! I'm really looking forward to just being mellow and hanging out with friends and snowboarding and stuff. Anyway, I don't really have much to report. I just wanted to check in since it's been a while since I last wrote. I hope everyone has a great Christmas. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

I watched another movie last night called "Auto Focus" about Bob Crane, the guy who played Hogan on the old television show "Hogan's Heroes." Greg Kinnear played Crane, and he was pretty good. The movie got a little slow toward the end, but it was a good study into how easy it can be for people to sink down into a world of lust and deceit. Plus, with movies based upon someone's life, you kind of have to take it all with a grain of salt. It's probably 90% Hollywood and 10% fact. Regardless, it was entertaining. Also, I forgot to mention that on Sunday, I also watched Ellen Degeneres's new DVD of her stand-up act. Very funny and highly recommended. Good commentaries on modern life, and no harsh language at all.
Anyway, that's all I have on which to comment for now. I may write more later today. I may not write for a few days. Who knows? Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Despite the fact I've been on stand-by and had lots of ridiculous calls, I managed to have a pretty good weekend. I went to Abby's Christmas party on Saturday night and won an X-Box and a big bottle of saki. After that, we went to the HH and I had a really good talk with Don. He gave me some advice, good advice, but I'm kind of an idiot, and I'm not so sure I'm going to follow it. I feel like I need to reach out somehow, and if I don't, I'll never know what could've been. And afterward, after I get burned, I'm going to feel hurt and ashamed and full of regret. I just don't see how someone could just drop a friend, and act like they were never friends in the first place. I'm sick of dwelling on this.
In other news, I rented a few movies yesterday, one of which was this Pedro Almodovar movie called "Talk to Her," and it was great. It's about this friendship that develops between two guys who meet in a hospital while caring for women in comas. Eerie and disturbing, but challenging and passionate at the same time. I'm developing more and more of an appreciation for Hispanic film makers.
Anyway, I'm going to get back to work. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

So the week has kind of gone downhill since Tuesday. Nothing really horrible, but just a bunch of small stuff that's piled up. There's really nothing major enough to go into, though. My biggest issue right now is that I've kind of realized how quickly I fall in love. Not true love, obviously, but just becoming infatuated with people. And I think one of the causes is trying to obtain what I can't have. Just because someone is unavailable makes me try even harder. And when nothing happens, it just ends up making me crash harder. So anyway, if that's the problem, I just need to figure out how to fix it, which may not even be possible. I just feel like I'm putting myself through a lot of needless torture. I want it to end.
I've been listening to a lot of Radiohead and PJ Harvey lately. I don't know if it has more to do with the weather, or my mood. The music is so dark, but when I listen to one of their albums in its entirety, I always feel so much better. It's like a journey.
I picked up the stand-by pager this morning, so all weekend, I'm going to have this hanging over my head. There's really nothing I like less than being on stand-by. Oh, well. It's only for a week, and then I'll have nothing else looming overhead, and I can have a relaxing Christmas and New Years. But, despite the whole stand-by thing, I'm looking forward to an enjoyable weekend. I'm going to Abby's Christmas Party on Saturday night, which should be a blast.
Okay, I guess that's all I'm going to talk about. Take care. No worries. God Bless.

Good week, so far. I had a great run yesterday morning, and another one today. Hung out with Ben last night. Going to dinner at Melissa's tomorrow night. I start stand-by on Thursday, which I'm really not looking forward to. Paul and Trish come back Friday, and were wanting to go snowboarding on Saturday, but I guess I'll just have to sit this one out. Bummer. Anyway, I guess I'm in a pretty good mood. Christmas is coming. I haven't done any shopping yet. I like making CDs for people. Maybe that would be a good Christmas gift. I think this has been the most random-thought-led entry I've made. I'm going to get back to work now. Take care. No worries. God Bless.